White People Rapping

A long long time ago, back in the early 1990's, to become a famous singer you had to get discovered by a music executive, and if you wanted to rap you had to be black or in the Beastie Boys. Now if you want to sing, you go on American Idol or the Voice and if you want to be a Caucasian rapper, all you need is a youtube channel. I have been playing basketball for 20 years now, mostly with black people, but not one of my black teammates has decided to become a rapper, yet two of my white teammates have decided to make rap videos and I have absolutely no idea what is going on in their heads. But I will breakdown their music videos along with some other better known white rappers.

Kanbeei Karlson - Peter Pan


I played at Fork Union Military Academy with Mr. Canby in arguably the worst year of my life. I didn't even think Canby was the most likely member of my team to become a white rapper, because our backup point guard Blake Brookman was already rapping back then. At military school they limited our television hours to weekends, so Canby and I would sneak into the planetarium to watch music videos on MTV. He acted like that was the greatest shit ever, which it kind of was in that prison of a school. I remember sitting in the planetarium one day while Canby outright laughed at his roommate's dream to be featured on Sportscenter. I wonder what Tarr would have thought if Canby had told him he was going to move to L.A. to be a rapper.

Anyway, Canby has actually put a lot of work into his art and is starting to gain some respect as an independent artist. He markets himself as a 6'10" rapper and describes his rhyming style as "a hybrid of true lyrical power crossed with intense visual word-play" on his artist webpage.  Honestly I think Kanbeei Karlson is a talented and already better than many rappers that have record deals, but I don't really think he has figured out his identity as an artist yet. Case in point is this video. Undeniably you can see his talent as rapper, but I have watched the video 4 times and the only lyric I can remember is a Tom Chambers reference and a couple mentions of his haters. What are you trying to say Kanbeei? I need more content! The flow is sick, he lands some decent punch lines, and the special effects are cool and I get what he is going for, but 75% of this video is him making digitally altered crazy faces in dark room which is kind of boring. I want to see more handshakes with random mustached men on the street (Might be his dad) and other shit like that. If I was marketing myself as a 6'10" hiphop artist I would make a song about being a damn giant, then fly to Asia and shoot a music video in downtown Beijing of Chinamen flipping their shit at how huge I am. Peter Pan punches was a good effort but not that memorable. I think Kanbeei has what it takes to make a hit, and will find it with time.

Jeremiah Boswell - I'm a Nerd, I'm a Dork


When I first met JBoz, we were 17 years old and he was the token white guy playing on a team featuring high school sensation turned NBA bust Kwame Brown. Later we would go on to share a glorified dorm room in the Strumica sportshall as teammates in Macedonia. Jeremiah actually has a lot in common with Kanbeei. They both are from Atlanta, played basketball, and mention Peter Pan in their music video. That is where the comparisons stop. Jeremiah is self-admittedly not a rapper. His first single "Christmas Go" was so horrific that it sapped the Christmas joy out of my body and made me think about celebrating Hanukah last year. "I'm a nerd, I'm a dork" is also a bad song, but at least it knows it's a bad song. Bad songs can do tremendously well. Just look at Rebecca Black's Friday, any music video from Bulgaria, or the Riff Raff video below. "I'm a nerd, I'm a dork" embraces its own corniness and is just catchy enough to possibly become an internet hit as a joke song. What the song lacks musically, it more than makes up for in the music video.  For an amateur video, the production and choreography is brilliant and there is nothing that gets me as excited as seeing someone get nailed in the face with a dodge ball. NBA players dressing like nerds and models embracing the "geek chic style" has already been well documented. Dork is "in" right now and Boswell takes it to the next level.

Riff Raff - Marc Jacobs

Words can not describe how awesomely bad this video is. Riff Raff is the Original Youtube gangster and stays "Leaning like the Eiffel Tower". The man is now immortalized by James Franco in the movie Spring Breakers.

Mac Miller - Frick Park Market

 Furries, huge deli sandwiches, glow in the dark body paint and outfits you would never see a black rapper wear. Mac claims that he "Aint no hipster" but he cleans countertops like one.

Machine Gun Kelly - Wild Boy

It's a pretty big change to see MGK go from dancing around shirtless in his music video to sporting a bow tie at the NBA draft.  Kat Williams doesn't look to happy to be there. I can't believe there is no Steve-O cameo in this video.

Beastie Boys - Fight for Your Right

The original wild boys.

I am pretty sure that orangutans don't listen to techno.

Australia is a special place. It is the flattest, hottest, driest, most desiccated, infertile and climatically aggressive of all the inhabited continents. There are a lot of things in Australia that could kill you, if you are not eaten by crocodiles or sharks, the ten most venomous snakes also inhabit this island. Don't mess with Texas? Don't mess with Oz mate!!! Any country that was founded by over 160,000 British convicts has to be considered to be one of the most badass countries on the planet.

I have only been here a few weeks, so it is too early to make any judgement about the culture, but my expectations have already been exceeded. Admittedly, I didn't know much about Australia before I came here other than Australians like to drink and fight. I can verify that they like to drink, a lot, but sadly I have yet to see someone get their ass kicked. Because of the accents, I find it absolutely impossible to determine if people are ever serious, so I just assume everybody is joking all of the time. Here are a few other things that I have learned about Australia.

1. Kangaroos are kind of lazy. I haven't seen many, but the roos that I have seen mostly just lay around all day like Homer Simpson after a six pack of Duff.

2. In Australia, apparently, there is crying in basketball. I coached a kids camp last week and the amount of crying was unprecedented. Maybe my expectations are just too high after working with the iron forged Macedonian youth.

3. If you want a whopper you need to go to Hungry Jacks. Somewhere in Australia there was already a burger king who copyrighted the name first.

4. Electronic music is not just for Euros anymore. Although there is a huge punk movement in Australia, electronic music has definitely has a strong influence here. Every other radio station plays some kind of dance/trance/dubstep/etc. Even as I was watching a special on orangutans on television, between the babblings of Jane Goodall (who still looks smoking hot for someone closing in on 80) they were blasting techno music. I know that they have taught chimps to use iPads, but do we have to make these poor monkeys listen to Armin Van Buuren?

Career Review, Most Memorable Pro Teammates, Coaching Staff / Management, and Cheerleaders

I was extremely blessed to have a chance to travel and play basketball as a job for several years. I lived in some countries that I loved (Costa Rica) and countries that I hated (Sorry Lithuania) and countries that strangely fascinated me (Macedonia). I had incredible experiences and met some incredible people. I think it is only right that I honor this time listing my most memorable teammates, staff, and cheerleaders. If you were born and raised in the United States of America, you are disqualified from this list.

Players

Pepi Bela Bela in Uniform 

1. Petre Svetkov aka Bella (Strumica 2005 (05), ABA Strumica (09,10,11))
Bella hardly speaks any English but when he does it is usually hilarious. However, not knowing English presents a problem for learning a system from a coach who only speaks in English. Therefore Bella has his own freelance philosophy to running the offensive sets, which he would describe as "Bella go now." Bella is a very creative player but he also plays with reckless abandon which usually results in something very good or very bad. It wasn't that he lacked body control. Every time he drove to the basket it is like that moment in the movie Momento when the guy wake up from a dream and can't remember if he is running away from somebody or running after somebody. Bella is in incredible shape for a guy who constantly smokes cigarettes off the court.

Wale with one of his baby friends

2. Lawal Adewole aka Wale aka Black (Kaunas Atletas (06))
Even though I started and played significantly more than him, Wale was named to the All-star team over me which was a true testament to his personality. I will never understand how a Nigerian ended up in the coldest country in which I have ever lived, and continues to live there to this day. Wale once described his religious view to me as Christlum, a hybrid of the Christian and Muslim faiths of his parents. On the court Wales game was pure African rawness: the tenacity of an antelope mixed with the finesse of a rhinoceros. Wale liked to spend his time off the court by pursuing "Mooshoo" a term from the movie Rush Hour which apparently means "vagina."

Bobby

 3. Slobodan Hadzvasilev aka Bobby (ABA Strumica (10,11))
Bobby was the team captain and only true veteran on the ABA Strumica team. He was the starting power forward for the team from Strumica that won the championship in 2007. After this he retired and seemingly disappeared from the public eye. .Nobody knows how old Bobby really is or what he was doing from 2008 to 2010 when he was not playing basketball. Some people say he was a pizza man, others say he was a professional assassin. All we know that the Bobby who came back in 2010 was a slower, older, and more jaded version of the young Bobby. The latter version relied on experience, veteran savvy and Jedi mind tricks to score points.

Mr. WATSON!!

4. Mauricio Watson aka Mo (Aguada Montevideo (06))
Mauricio gets mentioned because I can't remember anyone else's name on this team. I was only in Uruguay for 2 weeks, partly because Mauricio told me "Did you hear our own fans just say that we need to leave or they will kill us." Potentially saving my life automatically vaults you into the top five. Thanks Mauricio.

Julius for the Jam

5. Julius Mykolaitus (Kaunas Atletas (06))
I only hung out with Julius twice off the court. The first time we ended up in a Kaunas Casino until 11 a.m. as I watched him gamble away his entire monthly salary and part of mine. The second time was after a game in which he broke both arms and we ended up getting in a police chase that ended up with me taken in to custody and questioned in a language in which I didn't understand while a drunken Julius deflated the tires on the cop car parked outside the building where I was held captive.

D. in New York

6. Darjan Hristov aka Danny aka D. aka Pero's boy (Stumica 2005 (05))
Darjan and I have a special bond because of our mutual understanding of living in the shadow our legendary fathers. My father was an NBA all star while his father was Macedonian folk music superstar. Darjan has the highest confidence I have ever seen for someone who only had marginal basketball talent. He would occasionally go off or completely shoot us out of the games. We once lost to a reality television show team (Toa sum Jas) which was undoubtably the lowest point of my basketball career. To this day he still tells everybody that he dunked on me, which either never happened or was so traumatic that I completely erased it from my memory.

Dixon in the hood

7.Jefferson Owen Dixon aka Mr. Dixon (Sanatura Desamparados (12))
Dixon is a multilingual, japanese-cartoon-watching, greek mythology reading, quasi vegetarian, swimming-pool-swimming black man. Dixon didn't make this list because he defies all stereotypes, but because he humbled himself enough to also serve as team equipment manager. Dixon would take some of the worst shots I have ever seen and occasionally make some while others you knew had no chance of hitting the rim as soon as they left his hand. However you always knew Mr. Dixon was there to work hard.

Jove at the beach

8. Jove Kurciev (ABA Strumica (2011))
Mr. Kurciev never talked much about his family, but several sources told me that his father was in the mafia. Once I learned that, I made sure that me and Jove were on good terms. Jove probably said he loved me more in the 4 months I knew him than all other men combined have during my lifetime.

9. Sebastian Lacayo Mora aka Coko (Sanatura Desamparados (12))
The son of Costa Rican basketball legend Banana, Lacayo cares a lot more about living life than playing basketball. On the court Lacayo likes to foul and foul and foul again. When you look like a pro wrestler, it is hard to get love from the referees.

Honorable Mention: Jordan Joco Nokolov, Michael Jackson, Carnegie Richards, Huesos, Mario Hasonov, Ivan Cikarski

Coaching Staff / Management

1. Neil Gottlieb, Nic Marin, Abel Garbanzo, Fernando Esquivel, Luis Sanchez- Sanatura Desamparados '12

Nic, Fernando, and Neil

Neil, a native New Yorker and manager of an online gambling site, coached exactly like a guy who gambles would coach. "How many turnovers do we have? Whats our shooting percentage? Guys we gotta shoot better and stop turning the ball over." I suspected that he was secretly betting on the over/under on turnovers during our game because he would constantly ask Statistician Luis the total. Although he was the head coach, Neil rarely came to practices, because you can't bet on practices. Nic Marin would take over those responsibitlies and did an admirable job, except half of the team was totally incapable of remembering plays. Nic served somewhat as a General manager as well, and brought me in at the twilight of my career. Nic is a great friend and I would play for him for free if I could. Abel was the strength coach but he seemed more concerned with keeping me away from his daughter than my conditioning. Fernando was the team president and my roommate for the last week after a domestic dispute forced me to leave my previous residence early.

2 Stratos Koukoulekidis, Nesho Abazovic, Ace Angelov - ABA Strumica '11

A young Stratos

Stratos may have been the most knowledgeable basketball coach I have ever played for, but he expected a full support staff and profesional management and got a drunk guy and a president who wanted to fist fight the mayor. Statos would loose his temper almost every day and walk away with his head down cussing incessantly in Greek "MALAKA!!" Nesho was a great guy but after his divorce he mentally checked out. Ace was trying to keep the building from falling apart and didnt have enough resources to support the team.

Honorable Mention: The Jakus/Neso/Stimson regime, Simas Kruckauskas and his father



Cheerleaders

1. ABA Dance team: 5 year old Ruta propels them to the top: I will let the video explain:

Me and Lucy on Terrific Lady Day

2. Lucitania Calderon
An excellent resource for talking trash. "You see that hot girl, that's my girl. Wheres your girlfriend? Oh, Scary J. Blige in the second row. HAHAHA!" However she can't get the top spot because the 2 biggest games of the playoffs, she was M.I.A. and there was drama between her and the water girl.

Hristina in Ochrid

3. Hristina Runceva
She was very supportive, and possibly the smartest and most ambitious woman I know, but she loses major points for being a MZT fan. Sorry KiKi!!!

Album Review: McKenzie Eddy "Slow Your Horse Down Son"

What happens when you take a girl performing in a rock band in the Hootie and the Blowfish’s old stomping grounds in South Carolina, then transplant her in New York City and team her up with one of the creators of the now defunct Roc-a-Fella records, perhaps the greatest independent rap label of the last generation. You get McKenzie Eddy’s Slow Your Horse Down Son. McKenzie, who is a former Dame Dash executive assistant, turned record label VP/artist released an LP yesterday that I really can't explain. I take a cold shower after listening to it, and then I listen to it again. When I played it for my dad in his minivan, all he wanted to know was what this girl looked like. My Costa Rican housemate also asked what she looked like, and when I told him that she was a blonde girl, he claimed to love what he was hearing. If I had said she was a 400 pound Asian woman, would his opinion change? Definitely. I have listened to this album probably seven or eight times, and I have yet to finalize my opinion. McKenzie doesn't possess the emotion packed powerful voice that top recording artists use to sell records and inspire people to sing along. McKenzie has the kind of smooth velvety (occasionally screechy) voice that inspires you to smoke a cigarette or throw a beer bottle at your cat.

This album projects the kind of lighthearted darkness found in Wes Anderson films with lyrics featuring outlandish stories and off-color characters. The album kicks off with the title track "Slow Your Horse Down, Son". Take Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots are Made for Walking", add a Sheeshaw and Hookah Man, Fiona Apple the shit out of it, and viola. You have an opening track that musically feels like a psychedelic hayride through an alley full of gypsies, cowboys and corporate lawyers. The second track "Celophane" sounds nothing like the first, opting instead for guitar riffs over a hip hop beat and rapid delivered singing and Walter Camp references. "Bees" follows and slows the pace back down musically, while simultaneously upping the intensity of the trash talking: "Yeah girl you're gonna get stung" OH SNAP!! "Mangoes" is a song not about delicious fruit but instead yet more shit talking aided by rapper GLC. "Cinderella" is another forgetable love gone wrong song, followed by perhaps the highlight of the album "Ice Cream Mountain". This track features slick production of piano and organ melodies backed by a bass heavy beat. McKenzie's vocal ability is showcased best in this setting and Murs gives the strongest showing of all the rapper's on the album. The music video is above and equally turns me on and creeps me out, which is pretty amazing. "What a Life" a jazz influenced track featuring GLC follows and encaptures the emotions of moving to NYC and the pitfalls ("swindlers, hustlers, pleasers, busters, peddlers, lovers,cheats") of an career in entertainment. "

Whether calmly serenading in the Sean O'Connell produced "Your Darkness" or rocking out in the Ski Beatz laced "The Sun", McKenzie shows the kind of diversity as an artist, and flashes of talent that makes you believe that she can survive in the hectic world she vividly describes in her lyrics. Sometimes her voice is stretched beyond her capabilities, and the music production does not set her up to succeed, but McKenzie overcomes these shortcomings with the creativity of her storytelling and brash attitude of her delivery. In the end, the result is an album that occasionally suffers an identity crisis, while at the same time being so personal and multilayered, that it only gets better with successive listens. You can cop this album, from the links below:Get it on Itunes
Get it on Amazon

Being a Mentor in Macedonia (aka the Vasko Atanasov Project)

If you were wondering why I was Macedonia the last few years, I don't know if I can answer that question for you. This video might answer that question and maybe it won't: If you watched that video, you would see a guy named Slave (Slah-vay) claim that God told him "one day this building will belong to the kingdom of God, and there will be a Christian team playing here." Slave told me that in 2005 and I laughed in his face. Then in 2009, when Ryan Smith wrote me on facebook and told me that he wanted me to come back to Strumica, Macedonia to play on Christian basketball team and help run the sports hall, I thought it was a joke. I was like "No way! that sh*t is BANANAS FOSTER WITH AN SIDE OF EXTRA BANANAS SERVED BY A MONKEY DRESSED AS A BAG OF BANANAS!!"

And then I told him no, I can't play for that kind of money, but I would pray about it. And I did and when he made me a only slightly less ridiculous offer, I reluctantly admitted if there really is a God, I should probably go to Macedonia. After 2 years there, I still question why I was in Macedonia. I was supposedly a sports missionary for this ministry, and at times I filled the position admirably and at other times not so much. One thing I did was serve as a quasi-mentor to a highschool kid named Vasko Atanasov. My roommate, Jeremiah Boswell also mentored Vasko, giving him valuable advice and emotional support, while my mentoring style mostly involved making fun of the shape of his head and predisposition to date girls 5 or 6 years younger than him (ballpark estimate) and occasionally telling him some biblical wisdom. I don't know if anything I said to him sunk in, but Vasko is actually a really great kid who loves basketball and loves Jesus.

Vasko was a handball goalie but had a serious injury that derailed his career. Instead of feeling sorry for himself and going out and getting completely hammered at the clubs, which most kids his age do in that city, Vasko took initiative and got involved with coaching kids at ABA basketball club, eventually taking over the head coach position of the 7th grade team and leading them to the championship game. The maturity of this kid is unbelievable for his age. It has been so awesome to see him mature in his relationship with Christ and witness how God is using him to influence others. Go on his twitter page (http://twitter.com/attanasov) and you will see bible verses among statements such as:

I care about impacting people, not impressing people.

The blessings of God will complicate your life. But unlike sin, it will complicate your life in ways it should be complicated.

How many 17 year old kids do you know writing things like that? Anyway, I am telling you how great Vasko is not only because his is, but also because he will be coming to America this summer as a coach on a reverse missions trip with Athletes in Action. Vasko is a student in Macedonia with limited access to funds, so Jeremiah and I told him we would help raise the support for this trip. The trip is 2 weeks away and Vasko still need $800 to reach this goal. I believe this trip is important for Vasko to continue to grow in his faith. Please send your check immediately to:


Didasko Ministries, Inc.
13310 NE Shaver St.
Portland, OR 97230
And Note that it’s for: Sharrett 1040 Account

It sucks that there is no way to donate online, but it is what it is. If you plan on writing a check, please comment on the blog how much or send me a message so we can keep track of the total. Thanks and God bless!!

The Strumica Social Scene

Strumica is maybe the 7th or 8th biggest city in Macedonia, but according to everybody in Strumica it is the 2nd biggest party city next to the capital. A few months ago I wrote this: After living in Strumica, I have concluded these to be the favorite activities of Macedonians (in this order): Drinking coffee, betting on soccer, making up ridiculous stories about other people, flossin babies in public, making out in the park, smoking EVERYWHERE, walking in circles, telling gypsies to go away, backgammon, listening to 80's music, drinking more coffee, watching basketball. If I had to redo this list I would add "standing around tables in night clubs trying to look cool" somewhere at the top of the list. I don't know how people ever meet in this country, as they all post up at the same table and stare at each other most of the time. I also see very little dancing except for the occasional guy doing a fist pump. I think dancing has been relegated to weddings and private parties, where Macedonians join arms in a circle and kick their legs in unison like some kind of transformer (again another circle!) Macedonians are a very group orientated culture. Historically, the area consisted of various clans who banded together in order to survive in a crossroads of different civilizations. You can still see this in the culture today, as friends tend to stay in their social groups and are very protective of one another. When it comes to relationships, that's a whole different world. I feel like many macedonians are in relationships just to be in a relationship. Some girls have no problem cheating on their men, in fact the girls who have been the most aggressive with me have been girls in a relationship. I have never been in a society where public image is so important, yet people are so willing to compromise their moral values behind the scenes. If I talk to a girl when she is in front of her friends, her friends will pressure her and joke and say "you are talking to the american!" and immediately become defensive and shy. If I was to talk to this same girl alone in the bathroom or in a message, she has no hesitation in speaking with me. Social pressure is ridiculous! I am working for a sports mission so would be against company policy (the Bible) for me to take random girls home, so my luck with the ladies in Strumica has been minimal. Unless you are talking about teenage girls, which to them I am like the Justin Bieber of Strumica. I am a huge heartthrob in the teenage community, and I am constantly getting asked to take pictures (evidenced by the photo to the left). Ok so maybe I drew in the words, but that doesn't mean this girl wasn't thinking it.

Longest Game EVER

Yesterday my picture made a Macedonian newspaper under a write up for the game. I have no idea what this article says accept that my name is spelled "Џон Чепел" in jibberish and that I scored 24 points and grabbed 15 rebounds and am American. That may not be entirely accurate because sometimes I suspect that they use chimpanzees to track the statistics. This was easily the longest game I have ever played in my life. Not only did this game require two overtimes to complete, it was also delayed an hour at halftime when a jumpshot (not a dunk) caused the rim to fall to the ground and elicit loud cheers from the drunken crowd. Then, the janitor went on a wild scramble to find spare parts to reattach the rim while we kept warm by joining the opposing team's basket. This game provided an answer to one of life's great mysteries. How many Macedonians does it take to fix a basketball hoop? Apparently it takes 10 as evidenced by the photo below. After 4 hours it ended and thankfully we wont have to see this team again, because now the league has been cut to the final 6 and this team did not make it. Other memories from this game that I will carry with me include: the drunken old men playing tubas and drums making it impossible to hear anything, and when I went to catch a lob at the end of regulation and the opposing center undercut me causing me to land directly on my tailbone and proceeded to intentionally knee me in the back as I was struggling up, and then said to me, "watch yourself." Macedonians are friendly people.
 

A Lesson in Macedonian Culture: Interior Decorating

How to Decorate your Apartment

Macedonian culture has been around for hundreds of years, long before the United States even existed. However while most of the world progressed to the cultural landscape we know today, Macedonia seems to be stuck somewhere between 1975 and 1987. 80's ballad rock bands like Simply Red and Bon Jovi dominate the airwaves, and Run DMCesque track suits are fashionably in. The buildings also have an weird old school vibe. I am now living in a remodeled room attached to the sports hall where our team plays. While I can't say that it is an upgrade over my apartment from last year, it is definitely more modern, and would not be a good example of typical Macedonian interior decorating. So I will take you on a tour back in time to the year 2010, to give you an idea of how I lived before I moved into a glorified dorm room. If you ever move to Macedonia, this is how you should decorate.

This is the piano I spent a lot of time staring at. Get one of these!

You are not a baller in Macedonia unless you have a nice vhs player.
You will also want a tv that hasn't worked in 10 years.
and a state-of-the-art heating unit.

and of course sewing thread in a vase surounded by angels.

Also, make sure that you hang a lamp in the middle of your living room at chest level.

Your home is not complete without a violin clock and religious holographic trading card

Make sure you also strategically place your two most creepy collectables next to each other. For example a plate featuring an evil cat playing by the ocean, and a scary doll.

You may also want to display your war hero themed tea set.

You should always keep an ash tray and coffee cup man on top of your refrigerator.

If you break something, dont worry it's not yours, just hide the evidence.

If you are too tall for a conventional bed, make one out of a rock hard box.

A painting is a nice touch. This one is titled: Waterdamaged Pieceofcrap

Finally, an oddly shaped vase centered between gray and gold elephants is ESSENTIAL!