Big Jeezy dropping knowledge

The Strumica Social Scene

2011-07-15T02:03:00.000-07:00

Strumica is maybe the 7th or 8th biggest city in Macedonia, but according to everybody in Strumica it is the 2nd biggest party city next to the capital. A few months ago I wrote this: After living in Strumica, I have concluded these to be the favorite activities of Macedonians (in this order): Drinking coffee, betting on soccer, making up ridiculous stories about other people, flossin babies in public, making out in the park, smoking EVERYWHERE, walking in circles, telling gypsies to go away, backgammon, listening to 80's music, drinking more coffee, watching basketball. If I had to redo this list I would add "standing around tables in night clubs trying to look cool" somewhere at the top of the list. I don't know how people ever meet in this country, as they all post up at the same table and stare at each other most of the time. I also see very little dancing except for the occasional guy doing a fist pump. I think dancing has been relegated to weddings and private parties, where Macedonians join arms in a circle and kick their legs in unison like some kind of transformer (again another circle!) Macedonians are a very group orientated culture. Historically, the area consisted of various clans who banded together in order to survive in a crossroads of different civilizations. You can still see this in the culture today, as friends tend to stay in their social groups and are very protective of one another. When it comes to relationships, that's a whole different world. I feel like many macedonians are in relationships just to be in a relationship. Some girls have no problem cheating on their men, in fact the girls who have been the most aggressive with me have been girls in a relationship. I have never been in a society where public image is so important, yet people are so willing to compromise their moral values behind the scenes. If I talk to a girl when she is in front of her friends, her friends will pressure her and joke and say "you are talking to the american!" and immediately become defensive and shy. If I was to talk to this same girl alone in the bathroom or in a message, she has no hesitation in speaking with me. Social pressure is ridiculous! I am working for a sports mission so would be against company policy (the Bible) for me to take random girls home, so my luck with the ladies in Strumica has been minimal. Unless you are talking about teenage girls, which to them I am like the Justin Bieber of Strumica. I am a huge heartthrob in the teenage community, and I am constantly getting asked to take pictures (evidenced by the photo to the left). Ok so maybe I drew in the words, but that doesn't mean this girl wasn't thinking it.

Longest Game EVER

2011-02-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my picture made a Macedonian newspaper under a write up for the game. I have no idea what this article says accept that my name is spelled "Џон Чепел" in jibberish and that I scored 24 points and grabbed 15 rebounds. That may not be entirely accurate because sometimes I suspect that they use chimpanzees to track the statistics. This was easily the longest game I have ever played in my life. Not only did this game require two overtimes to complete, it was also delayed an hour at halftime when a jumpshot (not a dunk) caused the rim to fall to the ground and elicit loud cheers from the drunken crowd. Then, the janitor went on a wild scramble to find spare parts to reattach the rim while we kept warm by joining the opposing team's basket. After 4 hours it ended and thankfully we wont have to see this team again, because now the league has been cut to the final 6 and this team did not make it. Other memories from this game that I will carry with me include: the drunken old men playing tubas and drums making it imposible to hear anything, and when I went to catch a lob at the end of regulation and the opposing center undercut me causing me to land directly on my tailbone and proceeded to intentionally knee me in the back as I was struggling up, and then said to me, "watch yourself." A true gentleman.

A Lesson in Macedonian Culture: Interior Decorating

2011-02-19T03:43:00.000-08:00

How to Decorate your Apartment

Macedonian culture has been around for hundreds of years, long before the United States even existed. However while most of the world progressed to the cultural landscape we know today, Macedonia seems to be stuck somewhere between 1975 and 1987. 80's ballad rock bands like Simply Red and Bon Jovi dominate the airwaves, and Run DMCesque track suits are fashionably in. The buildings also have an weird old school vibe. I am now living in a remodeled room attached to the sports hall where our team plays. While I can't say that it is an upgrade over my apartment from last year, it is definitely more modern, and would not be a good example of typical Macedonian interior decorating. So I will take you on a tour back in time to the year 2010, to give you an idea of how I lived before I moved into a glorified dorm room. If you ever move to Macedonia, this is how you should decorate.

This is the piano I spent a lot of time staring at. Get one of these!

You are not a baller in Macedonia unless you have a nice vhs player.

You will also want a tv that hasn't worked in 10 years.

and a state-of-the-art heating unit.

and of course sewing thread in a vase surounded by angels.

Also, make sure that you hang a lamp in the middle of your living room at chest level.

Your home is not complete without a violin clock and religious holographic trading card

Make sure you also strategic place your two most creepy collectables next to each other. For example a plate featuring an evil cat playing by the ocean, and a scary doll.

You may also want to display your war hero themed tea set.

You should always keep an ash tray and coffee cup man on top of your refrigerator.

If you break something, dont worry it's not yours, just hide the evidence.

If you are too tall for a conventional bed, make one out of a rock hard box.

A painting is a nice touch. This one is titled: Waterdamaged Pieceofcrap

Finally, an oddly shaped vase centered between gray and gold elephants is ESSENTIAL!

Podcast 2: Social Terrorism and Manpoints

2010-10-01T04:36:00.001-07:00

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More commentary and stories from Strumica

Podcast 1: Macedonia to Canada

2010-09-21T10:09:00.001-07:00

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1st podcast from Strumica, Macedonia detailing a grape strike, smoke bombs and canadian strippers. Length 23:00 (Obama Caffeteria pictured below)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Black Man

2010-01-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

"Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistresses." - Stephen Colbert

Today this alledged photo of Tiger Woods at a Mississippi sex rehab clinic looking like the shoe bomber in hiding. After his unthinkable fall from grace, this may be step 2 in his climb back to respectability. You may question why Tiger Woods would sleep with Pancake house waitresses and Club managers when he has a beautiful supermodel wife at home. Well, if you are reading this, you are probably not Tiger Woods, and you have no idea what it is like to have thousands of women chasing after you everyday. Man has 3 basic natural instincts: eat, sleep and sex. A man could eat filet mignon every day, but eventually he may just want a hotdog or a taco. If Tiger is in sex rehab, it is possible that his sex drive may be more powerful than his other natural instincts. In hunting the chase is often more exhilerating than the kill. Tiger is extremely competitive, and it has also been revealed that when it comes to women, he likes to have his cake and eat it too. He has also been one of the most private and secretive superduperstars of our time. While it may be surprising on the sheer number of women he has cheated with, nobody should be surprised about his hidden alternative lifestyle.

"What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's."

MY PLAN TO SAVE TIGER:
PLAN A
Tiger's actions have cost him millions of dollars and created a horde of pseudo-celebrities of the women who have claimed to have slept with him. He cannot change that, but he can change the Tiger image. This story was so huge because Tiger had always been so guarded, so secluded, and nobody really knew what he was like. He pretty much needs to go to the opposite end of the spectrum with everything he has done.You simply can not trust a person who never reveals anything about themself. If Tiger wants to regain the respect of the media and the public, he needs to come out of hiding. He needs to become super-outspoken about everything: race, politics, his ladies, etc. He is not going to save his marrage, so he might as well go ahead and get divorced and embrace a ladies man, playboy lifestyle. If he becomes this hyper-aggressive honest outspoken character, he becomes a much more interesting person, and the media and fans start to love him again. Then people look at this incident as the turning point, where Tiger became "humanized" and embraced the person that he really is.
PLAN B
Find Jesus. AKA The Brit Hume plan.

Images from Haiti

2010-01-13T02:10:00.000-08:00

Haiti is probably the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, and a disaster like this is devastating. Please pray and support the people of this country anyway that you can.

And Down Goes the Pope!

2009-12-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

What kind of lunatic woman does this? The poor Pope.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Merry Christmas

2009-12-15T16:06:00.001-08:00

Bulgarian Pop Stars

2009-12-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of free time these days, and sometimes I spend it watching the Balkan music channels. Bulgaria is the best. To be a female pop star in Bulgaria you must be ridiculously good looking and you must be nearly naked in your video. The male pop stars are all funny-looking ass clowns. These are two of my favorite typical Bulgarian music videos.

The people in my city dont really care too much about basketball but they love music performances. There are posters everywhere advertising pop stars coming to the clubs to perform. We struggle sometimes to get a couple hundred fans but when Serbian Idol (pictured right) came to town, there wasn't an empty seat in our arena.

Adios Costa Rica, Hello Again Macedonia

2009-11-23T05:53:00.001-08:00

It's really difficult to explain the strangeness of the the cultural change that I have endured in the past week. There is really not a whole lot of things similar between Costa Rica and Macedonia other than being 3rd world countries. I went from jungles and volcanoes to dry plains and mountains. From speaking Spanish a language I comprehend fairly well, to the Cyrillic jibberish known as Macedonian. From monkeys and parrots to sheep and goats. I had a 2 day vacation in the U.S. to buffer this transition, but it was not enough to buffer the strangeness that I feel having returned to Macedonia. My last few days in Costa Rica were very sad for me. We ended our season with a heartbreaking loss in the finals. Panamanian Isaac St. Rose banked in a three pointer with 8 seconds left to take a 1 point lead and end our season. While having the one player in the basketball world who I truly hate end my season was extremely frustrating, the fact that he did so with a lucky falling down bank shot truly was an emotional punch in the junk. Having a coach who I truly like and respect, announce that he would no longer coach and begin to cry would tug on my emotions in my final days. I knew that things would never be the same and that I would probably never come back. Yet as I was about to leave I realized how much I really liked Costa Rica and the people there. We had a couple end of the season parties including one on my last day at my favorite place on earth: Hooters (best sponsor ever). I also hung out with the karate girl on my final day. I am really going to miss her even though she is probably very crazy. Because of the language barrier it is really difficult for me to determine her level of craziness, but I know its there. Despite this she is a really cool girl, and I enjoyed kicking it with her(pun intended). Still I had to go because I accepted a player/coach/GM role with a missionary sponsored basketball team in the same city I began my troubled pro basketball career. Amazingly I started receiving job offers immediately after I committed to go to Macedonia. After months of unsuccessfully searching, everyone all of the sudden wanted to see my resume. It figures.

Playoffs?!! Are you Kidding Me??

2009-11-04T22:53:00.001-08:00

So we are currently entrenched in the middle of the playoffs for the Costa Rican basketball championship if you can call it that. I end that sentence with uncertainty because I really dont think anyone is certain how the playoff format really works. I will do my best to briefly explain it. We finished 3rd in the regular season, which entitled us to a first round bye. We ended up playing the winner of the 4th and 9th seed in a 3 game series. That meant by the time we started the playoffs there were only 3 series going on (bear in mind that this is an odd number). Obviously the 3 winners advance but also the highest seeded loser. Anyway, we won the first round and ended up setting up a semifinal series sandwiched around Halloween. As the Escazu Witches, how we did not schedule a home game on Halloween has got to be one of the biggest publicity fopahs ever. If I know one thing about Costa Rica, its that there are no shortage of hookers. How hard would it have been to go to downtown San Jose, find a few old run down women of the night, desperate for work, and dress them up as witches. We already had these models (pictured right) walking the baselines to advertise. By the way, models on the baseline make it very hard to concentrate while shooting free throws. Yet there were no spooky Halloween decorations and no hooker witches. Hell we didnt even bring out our weird looking witch mascot for our game the day after Halloween. I was very disappointed by this. However, I cant argue with the results as we won both games and advanced to the finals. Actually its more like a quasifinals because if we win the series we will have to play another 5 game series against the exact same team. This is because this is considered the closing tournament and Barva won the opening tournament when I was in business school constructing spreadsheets, this has the potential to be a 10 game series. Today is game 4 and we are down 2 to 1 with the last 2 games of this series on a neutral court. Elimination time and its not over until the dama gorda sings. Playoffs?????!!!!!

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

2009-11-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon on my way out of Escazu I was passed by several police cars. By several I mean about 40, and I thought to myself that something pretty serious must be happening, probably a bank robbery or a shoot out. After watching the news I discovered that an OIJ officer (which is kind of like a Costa Rican FBI) was murdered by some Jamaicans. Yet with all these officers flooding the are, the criminals were still on the loose. They found some other Jamaicans, but they were not sure that they were the right ones. I have yet to be arrested in this country, so I don't know much about the police force here. I do know that when shit goes down, cops here arrive in force. On Costa Rican independence day, I was in downtown Heredia, where a full out party broke out in the streets. (Pictures posted later) Soon a barrage of police in riot gear came and even though they were being pelted by beer cans and other objects, they managed to shut down every bar, clear the streets, and avoid a riot. Still I cannot give them too much credit as when my passport was lost/stolen and I went to the Escazu PD to file a report, they took down my information in what closely resembled my 2nd grade science notebook and sent me on my way. I am not holding my breath for this crime to be solved.

We playin basketball

2009-10-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

It has occurred to me that very little has been written about basketball, which is the primary reason I am down here. If you didn’t know already I am playing for the Escazú Brujas. For those of you that don’t habla español, a “bruja” is a witch. Yeah that’s right I’m a witch, not a wizard, a woman with a broom and black cat. We only actually use the witch hat in our logo (see left photo), but you can find witches all over Ezcazú. The biggest liquor store in town is named La Bruja, and the first thing you see when you walk into Hooters is a giant stuffed witch. If you know spanish you can read about the legend of the witch here: http://www.guiascostarica.com/mitos/mitos22.htm
To summarize it, a grampa found his granddaughter (who was a well-known witch and quite possibly a prostitute) naked and in a trance behind his house. She told him not to tell anybody and the old man waited 2 days before he blabbed to his neighbors. After that some kind of crazy curse takes over his house where shit falls off his roof and he hears cows trying to tear down his house, and when he goes outside, there is nothing but the smell of shit. I swear that I am not making this up. I dont really understand the rest of the story, but there is something about an earthquake and a knife fight with a giant black pig. Anyway, despite our lame mascot, we have one of the 3 best teams in the league. Costa Rican basketball is a lot like playing at a city park. Some of the guys are pretty good athletes (as evidenced by this photo of me getting dunked on), some of the players are relatively skilled, but almost nobody really knows how to play basketball. Most of the gyms in the league are worse than your average high school gym in America. I never thought it was possible to have a rain delay in basketball, but we have already had 2 in our home gym. We actually played a half with newspaper covering all the wet spots on the floor, and I am not talking a sheet or two, more like 10 full pages, making the court a quasi-obstacle course. We have also had games delayed for power outages, camera crews failing to show up, and well...just for the hell of it. Most of the teams are in the San José area, with the exception of Peréz Zelderon which is a few hours away in the mountains, and Limón on the Caribbean coast. I feel like the league might be down in comparison to last year. Maybe this is the result of the recession which would actually benefit an economically strapped team like our team. Here are the major players in the league:

Barva: The reigning champ and deepest team in the league. Led by a pair of Panamanians, they are the most athletic and best constructed team in the league.

Liceo: They are like the NY Yankees of Costa Rican basketball. They overpay players assemble a massive amount of talent and often come up short in the end.

Limón: A team of all black guys from the Caribbean, they are the bad boys of the league. They are talented, exceptionally dirty and have a pair of massive postmen.

Santa Ana: Funded by a wealthy gringo who also coaches, this team is talented enough to compete with anybody, but with the discipline of a high school JV team, they rarely do.

UCR: The sneaky college team that overachieves. They don’t have the most talented team, but they do well by playing fundamental basketball and shooting well.

The rest of the pack: They mostly suck.

The refereeing in the league is incredibly inconsistent. They will allow a style of play somewhere in between “don’t get within one foot of the shooter” and “go ahead and beat the living crap out of each other” Being that I am a gringo and the tallest player in the league, most teams get the go ahead to incessantly beat my ass without penalty. We are coached by Nic Marin, a Nicaraguan who was a former student manager at UNC. He is not the best coach I have played for, but he is one of the coolest. Nic is a family man and works at a bank by day. To paraphrase Nic, he is robbing from his own children to partially fund the team and my living situation. I am not sure how his wife feels about that, but I am cool with it. Rule number one in basketball: you need to feed your big men. Team updates can be found at the facebook group page listed here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=53631384741&v=wall&ref=ts

BASKETBALL - KURTIS BLOW

The 2 month update

2009-10-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah its been about 2 months, so what? Only blog superfan Brian Rosefield wrote me asking for updates, so the rest of you can shut your bocas. I moved out of my coaches parents mansion in Escazú, and am now living in Heredia. Heredia is not quite as luxurious as Escazú but it makes up for it with activity and fine women. The house is not quite as nice as the country club that I moved from, but it definitely beats the hippie shack I first lived in. I have a room adjacent to the garage and situated beteeen a random Cuban guy and the 16 year old sister of my teammate. I still do not know the Cuban guys name because everyone in the house calls him chico. All I know is this son of a bitch wakes me up every morning a 5 a.m. riding off to work on his scooter. Some of the people in the house have insinuated that he is gay, but I cannot make that call because the only time we have talked is when he comes home late at night and insists that I eat the bread that he brought from his job at a bakery. I generally have no problem with this guy, but I can't say the same for the fire breathing she-devil in the next room. I am not an expert on Latin culture, but I am pretty sure having your quinientos does not give you the right to be a huge bitch until adulthood. Her name is Melisa but I call her Paisa which roughly translates into dirty Nicaraguan. For the record, I love Nicaraguans but in Costa Rica, (as U.S. citizens) they are like our Mexicans. While there has always been tension between us, there was not always a mutual hate (she even asked me to her prom). I think things changes when a)after witnessing her eating habits, I called her an elephant in front of her grandma or b) after coming home all proud showing off her new nose ring, I told her that will be great for picking up Gothic guys. After my infamous student athlete of the year speech where I infuriated the entire Equestrian team, I should have learned that I need to be a little more sensitive with my words towards women. But after she called me a Canadian, I lost my composure. Also in the house live my teamate and his mother. I get along great with her, better than anyone else in the house. She is your typical crazy latina single mother. Works all the time trying to get paid, looking for any opportunity to scam some guy out of some money, and getting smashed with her girlfriends when ever she gets some free time. I have spent the last couple months playing ball, reading, and becoming absolutely dominant on a Nintento Gamecube 2007 version of Madden. Many days I do not even leave the casa, but I do have a few interesting stories which I will update the next couple weeks. Stay tuned. (Below: The Paisa in her prom dress)

A break in the action to give my reaction

2009-09-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

Someday the 7 or 8 people who read this blog will get a conclusion to the world surf games adventure when I recover my repressed memories. For now you will have to suffice with an update of my recent events. I was evicted from my house a few days ago as the crazy hippie downstairs turned off all the electricity. As much as I am for the green conservationalist movement, I am not a damn Amishman. Power and running water is a luxury I would rather not give up. So for the time being I have moved into my coach's parents house which is like going from a minimum security prison to a country club. There are like 4 maids running around constantly trying to do something for me since I am usually the only one home. The Escazu Brujas have been fairly successful since my arrival. We have only lost one game to the team currently in first place. I have found that I do not get a lot of love from the referees in this country. After the game we lost, I was bleeding from both arms, yet I could not remember shooting one free throw, heck I cant remember drawing a foul that was called. I have been hanging out a lot with a girl on the national karate team. I really dont understand half of what she says, but I pretend to be fascinated by every word that comes out of her mouth. Women seem to like this.

Kurt Rambis + Bill Laimbeer = Greatest Coaching Staff Ever!!!

2009-09-05T11:26:00.001-07:00

If you haven't heard, Bill Laimbeer was hired a few days ago by the Minnesota timberwolves to join head coach Kurt Rambis. Does the hire of two of the NBA's all time great scrappy white guys add up to a championship trophy? Only time will tell. They still can't convince Ricky Rubio to come to the artic city of Minneapolis, but at least Kurt got a shout out on CNBC's fast money yesterday.

Hang 10 dude! World Surf Games 2009 Day 2

2009-08-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hang 10? More like hang over. Actually just a slight headache, but I head to the store anyway to pick up some agua. Since I am low on cash I have been using my credit card for just about everything. I am not going to use my credit card to buy 1 water, so instead I bought 3 waters, and gave 2 to the hot Israeli chicks in my hostel. I don't know why, but something about Israeli girls really gets to me. Oh yeah, I remember. It was the Israeli girl who I dated in Lithuainia who tore my heart out. She was pretty much the only girl during my whole stay in Europe, that I had any kind of feelings for. She was unbelievably fine, and she was in school to become a brain surgeon. I had plans in the back of my head to marry this girl. I did find it strange that she always hung out with 2 girls from Lebanon, a country which her country was at war with during the time. Anyway, she ended up using me to jump her way up to a higher profile American basketball player named Reggie Freeman, who was an all american at Texas. She then used him to get to Tanoka Beard who was like the Shaq of Lithuanian basketball. I never heard from this girl again after I left Lithuania, but if I had to guess, she is probably living with Pau Gasol in L.A. plotting how she can get to Kobe. Anyway after giving the Israeli girls the water, things became kind of awkward which is usually what happens when you do something nice for a girl. Anyway, I caught a ride out to playa hermosa again with Denis and his crew. We ended up getting a traffic ticket for jamming too many people in the car, which ended up being about a 2 dollar fine. The surf games were pretty much the same thing as the day before: some people surfing and a bunch of fine women prancing around on the beach. At least that is what I saw. I ended up hanging out with the El Savadorian surf team for a while. They had driven 28 hours in a van to get to the competition and they were pumped up. I talked with the sponsor of the team quite a bit and he was also impressed with the female fan turnout. He then pointed my attention to a lady directly in front of us and asked me how old I thought she was. I claimed I didnt know, maybe 18. He told me that she was 15 and it made him wish that he was 17 again. I agreed that she was the hottest 15 year old I had ever seen. After letting the pediphile vibes pass, I took a few pictures with some of the El Salvadorian surfers (this guy with the mask asked first) and went back to find Denis and the crew. They were doing what almost every guy was doing this afternoon, drinking beer and looking at girls asses. I could only take so much of this, so I told them I was going to buy some beer. I never went to buy that beer, but I did run into a gringo girl I had met last night. After watching her smoke with some Ticos and playing some imaginary volleyball, I headed back to the competition to find my crew which by this time had abandoned me and gone back to San José. I was perfectly ok with this, except for the fact that these guys were my only access to a camera, so sadly there will be no more shots of flip throught the surfgames escapades. Since I had ignored most of the people in the hostel the night before, I made up in my mind that I was going to be extra friendly tonight. I also made an executive decision to limit my drinking, as past experiences have taught me, when I drink heavily, bad things happen, very bad things. Papas and Burgers, the restaurant who Tony the guy I met yesterday mentioned, is right next to my hostel, so I decide to go and try out a meal. I go in and start talking to the waitress, an attractive gringa, and ask were is Tony the owner is. She told me that Mark is the owner and he is standing right over there. I explain to her that some bald guy named Tony told me that it was his restaurant and apparently I was lied to. Tony is actually a guy that does construction, and I had a feeling I would see this guy again. I got the Picasso burger and it was bloody awesome. After the meal I headed back to my dorm room where I was greeted by a guy dressed in a wifebeater named Jermarín from the Dominican Republic. Since I had just eaten, I had to turn down his invite to go get dinner, but I told him we could kick it later. I had a goal to be more social, so I went up to the kitchen where there were two fine Swiss girls and a Brazilian guy who was all about trying to convince these girls to go play pool with him. Later I would meet a Chicagoan named Derrick who would label those chicas the "untouchable swiss girls" because of all the guys they ignored throughout the week who wanted to hang out with them. Back down in the lobby someone was blasting some old school Ini Kamoze which I had to go check out because it is one of my favorite jams of all time.

Turns out there was a party in the Lobby between Wilson, the Tico hotel keep, Chapo the hotel surf instructor, and Adaim a half gringo, half dutch guy, who didnt work at the hotel, but was there almost all the time hanging out and trying to pick up the euro chicks who came through. Eventually Adaim, I and Jermarín the Dominican would go out to a club called Ganesha (named after the Hindu God who is the remover of obsticals, not the scrawny indian in the IMBA program.) Jaco was much calmer on this Sunday night, because most of the Ticos had returned to San Jose. I was taking it easy, but Jermarìn was determined into peer pressuring me to drink heavily, and Adaim was already drunk. Jermarín quickly found a group of 3 tica girls who were all sharing a cocacola. I had a bad feeling about this 3 headed coke drinking monster, and as soon as they finished their soda they were asking me a Jermarín to buy them smirnoff ices. Jermarin pretty much begged me to pitch in and of course after the drinks were bought, it was an all out dance party. And whenever there is a dance party, there I am busting out the splits and hurting myself. I told myself I wouldnt do the splits again but I did and ended up causing a bruise on my knee that lasted weeks. At least the pure hilarity of Jeramìn in his wife beater and Adaim's drunken dancing eased the pain. Watching those two dancing idiots go crazy while some random guy who wasnt dancing at all came in and took the girl they were trying to woo with their moves, was priceless. I wandered off and bumped into a guy from New York who told me that I needed to be dominating these girls with my size. He also gave me the best advice I received all weekend "Watch out, if a girl here is not a hooker, she is a hooker" So taking that advice I did an about face and approached the two most obvious hookers in the bar and started talking to them. They tried to get me to buy them a beer even though they both already had full drinks and I wasnt even drinking anything anymore. I told them I didnt want their services and asked what kind of bullcrap friendship requires me to buy someone a drink. They agreed with me, and then we all went to the ladies bathroom and took some pictures on her camera phone, until some lady busted in all angry, got in my face and asked me to leave. I have never felt so unwelcome in a women's bathroom before. When I got back to the dancefloor I was getting a lot more attention than before and everybody was trying to take a picture of me when I wasnt looking. I would find out later that Jermarín had told everybody that I was Michael Phelps and I didnt want to take pictures with anybody. The night ended with Jermarín unsuccessfully trying to convince the 2 heads of the 3 headed coke monster who hadnt left with some guy, to come back to our sweet hostel to party. When we got back Adaim tried sorting out some earlier drama that occured with one of the Israeli girls, while I downed some milk and had a bonding moment talking to Jermarín about how dancing and buying drinks almost never pays off. I then demonstrating to the other Israeli girl how I busted my knee doing the splits, as she was clearly impressed, and went to sleep.
(Editor's note: I will not write a conclusion to this saga so if you want the conclusion plese ask me in person)

Hang 10 dude! World Surf Games 2009 Day 1

2009-08-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

I wake up early and make it to downtown bus station by 7 a.m. in time to make the 7:15 bus to Jaco, but there is one problem. The exlosive diahrea that has manifested itself in my system has politely asked me to buy the ticket for 8:30. So I'm like ok Runs you win, and I go to the McDonalds baño to let my friend go free. While I was waiting for the bus, I came across a young man originally from Wisconsin who was working at a call center in San Jose. I picked up a strong gay vibe from this guy, so even though my gay radar has been faulty at times, I tried not to get too friendly. The bus ride was pretty uneventful apart for the friendly fat girl sitting next to me sharing her gumdrops with me. Sometimes fat people eat everything in front of them, but this lady felt compelled to offer me some of her rations even though I had not said one word to her. This seemed like a pretty normal occurance at the time, but would actually lead to an important cultural discovery and a bit of deja vu on day 7. When I got to Jaco I immediately walked to the Hotel Haan which is my preferred destination when I stay in the town known for its surf and prostitutes. Luckily they had an extra bed left in the dormitory. After checking in and borrowing some of my dormmates Africa scented Axe deodorant (Stop judging me, you know you have done it. It was a spray can and I just got off a long bus ride, and Africa scent is not what you would expect) I headed to catch the bus to Playa Hermosa. After asking around to find where I could catch this bus, I hopped on only to come to a dead hault just minutes later 3km from Playa Hermosa in a giant traffic jam. At this point the people walking on the side of the road are passing us, not to mention the guy riding on horseback while simultaneously rolling a joint. After an hour long 2 mile bus ride, I finally arrived at the World Surf Games, aka "Try to hide my boner" olympics. Seriously, there were so many fine women at this thing that it was very difficult for me to get any kind of concentration on the actual surf games. However, I did manage to watch the games at some point and here is what I observed:

1. The female surfers don't look anything like the chicks from the movie Blue Crush. The lady surfers were not nearly as attractive as the spectators, except for maybe Puerto Rico. One of the girls surfing for Puerto Rico was hot and she was a bad ass surfer too. At least I imagined she was good because I really have no idea what makes a good surfer. Actually, I really don't even know if she was hot because she was out in the ocean the whole time, and these old eyes can't see like they used to.

2. To hell with Hawaii!! Not only did Hawaii field their own team apart from the U.S. team but they also brought their own flag with their flag carrier hit me in the face with it. Last time I checked Hawaii was a state so why did they bring this US-UK cross-breed monstrosity of a flag?

3. Anytime there is an excuse to drink during the middle of the day, Ticos will take advantage of it. The beach was packed with people partying and not paying any attention to the games. And any time there are people drinking, there are also people who want to take pictures with the extremely tall man, sometimes without even asking.

4. This thing apparently was a bigger deal than I thought. Teams came from Ireland, Japan, South Africa, Australia, etc. Every continent was represented except for Antartica.

After a while on the beach I headed back to the stage area which would be the future performing area for several mediocre local perfoming acts. Actually there was a one guy that was a pretty good ganster rapper. While I was back in this area a gringo with his shirt off named Tony walked up and started talking to me about what most people talk to me about: how big I am. Tony informed me that he has been living in Costa Rica for 18 years and after getting out of jail is now rich again. He told me to come visit his restaurant, Papas and Burgers and told me that I should come ride on his boat. Mid conversation, I get interupted by Denis (pictured right) a guy I met playing pickup basketball in the park last year. Denis works for HP and hung out with me last year when I went to Jacó. As Denis temporarily leaves, Tony, a man with a tatoo on his head, calls Denis a shady guy. I defend Denis, but I think Tony had a good point. Anyway, minutes later I would end up joining Denis and his crew and commensed to drink. I am making an honest effort to cut back on my drinking, but the choice is never easy. Either I can be sober, unsocial and safe or I can drink, be the life of the party, and put myself and everybody around me in danger. I always try to find a happy medium but it never ends up that way. So of course I started to drink, and eventually ended up like this------------------------------------------------------> And when I end up like this, I end up doing things. I can't remember everything, but I can remember the stupid things. Things like picking up prostitutes and holding them over my head, or riding on the back of an ATV doing whealies in the middle of a street with a random Tico without a helmut. I do remember being incredibly scared which leads me to believe I was not that drunk if I feared for my life. I also remember there being a bunch of women of all ethnicities all over me, and I was constantly getting cockblocked by members of my own team. The last thing I remember was talking to a random girl on the street before starting my own survey on the street in spanish: (me translated) Hey hotdog guy, who is pretter, this girl or me? (hot dog guy) "She is prettier" (me) "Wrong, I am prettier dude, duh." At this point team cockblock grabbed me and made me walk back to my hotel. Maybe it was not such a bad idea.

Hang 10 dude! World Surf Games 2009 Days 2-3

2009-08-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

Coming soon

Hang 10 dude! World Surf Games 2009 Day 0

2009-08-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

I felt compelled to right about my 2 weekend trip to the world surf games. Day 0 is pretty boring, but I promise the action will pick up in the future posts.

Estar de chicha = to be in a bad mood (costa rican slang)
Usually I am a pretty optimistic guy, but at this point, estoy de chicha, because I am broke, my roommates are broke, and my low paying baskeball job can't support everybody. Now I live on this mountain pictured below, so I should have no reason to complain, right?

Yet I am on the verge of depression because I spend my days, jobless, in the upper floor of a house built by hippies wherein I must squat down a full foot to take an icy cold shower or sit in a chair to cook on our world class electric burners. So as I sit in the house on a Friday night listening to my roomate complain about his financial situation, I make a bold declaration that I am going to Jaco tomorrow. After my roomates try to talk me out of this dangerous journey, I say "me voy" and head to bed.

Mystery Solved

2009-07-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

That man walking my street with the machete is Marcos, the neighborhood gardner. While all you soft people in the states use landmowers and hedgetrimmers to beautify your yards, Marcos gets everything done with a rusty machete. Marcos seems a little on edge to me when I talked to him, and I don't think it is out of the question that he floips his shit and uses that machete on something else than the weeds in my yard.

Things I have learned in Ticoland

2009-07-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

1. Hannah Montana and High School musical backpacks are huge here. I saw 4 today alone. Normally a grown man riding a bike and rocking a Hannah Montana backpack would be just cause for him to surrender his man card. However, this seems to be perfectly normal here.

2. I need to stop trying to do the splits. Have you ever seen a guy on a dance floor who tries something that he has no business doing and often ends up hurting himself or the people around him. Well that is me, everytime I get in full dance mode and try to end my dance routine by jumping up in the air, ending in the splits, and tearing the shit out of my groin.

3.Never fall asleep with a crazy woman in your house. This one seems like common sense but sometimes a woman is so crazy that you would rather leave your own bed and pass out on the couch just to avoid dealing with her craziness. Wrong move buddy. The possibilities of disaster are endless here. I have never had someone try to sexually take advantage of me before, until this past weekend, when this nutjob repeatedly tried to twang on my wang while I was just trying to get some sleep. While many people may not believe that this is a bad thing, just take my word. It was terible.

4. I need to make some changes in my life. I am a grown man with a masters degree in international business and a fair amount of intelligence. Yet I am playing basketball for a job and living in a shack in Costa Rica next to a hippie who wears, not one, but 2 hawaiian shirts at a time. It is time to grow up and use my life to make a difference for God. Like the great MJ once said, "I am starting with the man in the mirror. I am asking him to make a change."

Back in Action!!! return of the peoples champion

2009-07-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

It has been 4 long years, but finally Flip Diesel has come back to the internet! Why the return? well..IT DOESN'T MATTER why The Jeez returned, but the millions and millions of Flip's fans called for it. If you didn't watch wrestling during the late 90's the previous rant probably didn´t make any sense, much like my life. The last time I ended my blog, I left off somewhere in Mexico right before things got interesting, and I developed a new level of drunkeness that carried off and on for 4 years through several different countries. Now I am in an internet cafe in Costa Rica in the mountains outside of San Jose with a couple more degrees and the ability to speak spanish that I lacked when I last wrote a blog. I just arrived yesterday after taking care of some business for my O.J. size legal battle against the state of South Carolina. The neighborhood I live in is pretty cool. House is right next to a stream up in the mountains. Havent seen to many good looking chicas around, but there is a guy with a machete who has been walking the streets. I am not quite confortable enough with my spanish to ask him why, but if I had to take a guess, I think he is a chicken killer. I will keep you posted. Any way I gotta go, more adventuras to come.

Jeezy Returns!!

2005-04-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

Since Sports Illustrated on Campus has decided to give this site national recognition while butchering my story, I have decided to make a return. I gave up writing on the internet for free last august, but I now have no choice but to come back. Still even though the jagoffs at SI did not seek my express written consent to do this, some good has come out of this. One woman from Kentucky has written me an email in response to the Women are Insane trilogy, apologizing on behalf of all women everywhere. this was my goal all along, so because of this I have decided to give the world more. I will finish the Mexico saga that I have decided to keep secret for fear of incriminating evidence. I will start at day 23 and give the last 11 days of mayhem. There was a lot of great stories between day 4 and 23 including: a mexican business teacher who transforms into a flaming homosexual when speaking english, a weightroom supervisor who looks like a mentally retarded Nicolous Cage and reads wrestling magazines all day, discovering the time honored mexican tradition of getting drunk on your roof, impressing a room full of mexican coppermill workers with my sledgehammer skills, and climing a mountain only to have a 9 year old indian girl attempt to pickpocket me. However, Day 23 is when the action really starts to pick up. To read the conclusion go to: http://flipdiesel.blogspot.com

The Life and Times of a 6'10" White Guy in Mexico Day 4

2004-08-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

It's 6 a.m. and I think my water just broke. I am sitting in my bed balled up in pain and I don't even have the energy to move. After an hour sitting there on the verge of tears, I gather my strength and go to the bathroom. As you can imagine, it wasn't too pretty. The mexican cuisine had finally gotten the best of me. Thank god I had breakfast to look forward to. So at 7:30 I sit down at the table and Marie puts another lovely mexican breakfast on the table. I recognize the eggs, but there is something else on my plate that seems a little out of place. So I look up at Marie with my "what the fuck is this shit" glare and she just smiles back at me like shes doped up on smack. So I start eating this shit, I don't know what it is but as best I can describe it is corn flakes marinated in hot sauce. After about two bites I put my fork down and blankly stare at my plate. Marie noticed that I'm not eating her food, and if you have ever had a mexican mom you will understand that not eating their food is equivalent to telling an American mom to her food back and shove it up her asshole. So she starts pestering me and asking if I'm not hungry, but I just tell her that I'm sick and leave out the fact that I don't have enough strength to eat this garbage that you call breakfast in your country. As soon as I say this Marie goes off walking and rambling Spanish that I can't understand. She comes back with some weeds from her garden and starts cooking them in a pot with water. So I go upstairs and get ready for school, visit the bathroom again, and when I get down Marie gives me some crazy yellow tea in a baby bottle. Apparently, this tea is supposed to make me feel better but I don't see it curing the ass flood that has already hit me twice this morning. I grab the tea and take to the bus stop where I will attempt to make it through a 50 minute bus ride without shitting myself. Luckily, bus 631 is there when we walk up, so I jump on, pay my 3.5 pesos and sit down. It didn't look very good, but that tea was fantastic. It burnt the fuck out of my mouth, but it was some excellent tea. But while I'm sitting here, some guy with a guitar walks on the bus, sees the sucker American with my baby bottle and Spanish dictionary, and decides to stand directly next to me and start playing and singing something that sounds like the spanish version of Hakuna Matata. I'm sick and in a bad mood, so I really dont want to pay for Enrique Clapton singing the blues directly in my ear. After two songs this guy realizes that he is playing a free concert, and gets off the bus. When we get to school I run to the bathroom and make it just in time. We didn't start school until tommorrow, but today was orientation. They put us in a classroom, show some video, then interview us one at a time. I talk to everyone else, and they tell me it was really easy, and they just asked personal questions. I go in there and almost immediately this woman starts asking me to compare US and Mexican business, and describe the benefits of the North American Free Trade Agreement. I can't really remember what i said, but it probably didn't make sense. After this we tour the school and all the facilities, which were actually pretty nice. The we have a brunch, and after eating my donut, I go to the bathroom once again. I have take some immodium AD, but apparently this was something that this medicine had not seen before. After this, we piled into a van and drove to some city called talcoma or something like that. Basically, it was just another place where Mexicans sit around and sell artwork and other worthless shit. Still, you can never look at enough worthless shit so here we were. So I'm walking along, still in pain, and I actually see a painting that is not half bad. I ask the guy sitting on the bench how much it is in spanish and he tells me 200 pesos. I tell him no gracias and then magically he starts speakin freakin English. Just because he speaks English won't make me change my mind, so I start walking off so I don't lose the group. After, I tell him that I might come back, this son of a bitch calls me a "fucking liar" in English no less. I turn around but a member of my party grabs me before I do something stupid. We look at more crap for about an hour until we decide to go to the mall so we can look at slightly more expensive crap. The mall was no different than any other mall in America, it actually is nicer than most of the malls I remember going to. The food court was pretty good and I ended up getting a sandwich and some Dairy Queen since the throbbing in my guts had finally ceased. We eventually end up walking around until we go into one Italian fashion store where me and Silvio immediately sit on the couch inside while some sales clerk just stares at us the whole time like we are about to rob the place. While we are chillin' like villians, the rest of our party leaves the store and disappears. We find them and two girls try to convince us to to go to see the Stepford Wives. I have had enough of one of these girls for the rest of my life let alone the rest of the day, so I politely decline with a "Hell NO" So me and Silvio walk with our peace signs in the air, off into the Mexican sundown.

The Life and Times of a 6'1-" Guy in Mexico Day 1

2004-08-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

July 9th 12:00 a.m.
I have to be at the airport in 5 and a half hours and everyone in my party is too drunk to drive me. Still, we continue to drink heavily.

3:oo a.m.
I can barely see, but the night is far from over, as we leave Pavlovs, we encounter a black man with a leaf blower in hand, some might describe him as a bum. At first we walk right past him, but after walking about halfway down the block I realize that this man said 15 dollars. Realizing that this deal on a high quality machinery was too good to pass up, I get my friends to throw in, and we walk back to the hype (a hype is a classification for a street vender for someone who is slightly higher on the social strata than a bum, because he is hustling something, usually stolen property). After seeing that this thing actually works, we give the hype the 15 bucks and walk off with our new toy. As we walk into Jungle Jims I am blowing everything in sight. I blow the security, I blow the 7 people inside, I blow the bartenders, I'm blowing all the cups over, I blow some girl directly in the face at close range, its like Hurricane Hugo has hit Jungle Jims. Even though I am causing massive chaos, I am still getting hooked up with free drinks because who is going to fuck with a guy with a power tool. After there was no further destruction to be done, we decide to leave to go terrorize other drinking establishments. So we walk down the street blowing everybody in sight, but as we near our destination, we run out of gas. When this happened, it seemed like the night had finally come to an end. We go to pita pit to get a snack, and I go back to get my luggage arriving just as my ride pulls up. The Fez drives me to the airport, and I stumble in and mumble to the desk clerk, Guuuadaaalajaaaaaaara.

I basically sleep the entire time of travel, except for the hour and a half I wasted by staying up to watch Jersey Girl on the plane ride to Guadalajara. When we get to Guadalajara we get to customs and I discover that while I was sleeping, I was supposed to fill out paperwork. So these people are asking me all these questions in Spanish, and I have no idea what is going on until some girl finally rescues me and gives me the forms and a pen. As we are leaving the airport, I meet my Spanish family, and we hug and do all that other crazy Mexican bullshit you do when you greet. As soon as I rest for one second, some mexican guy snatches my suitcase from me and starts walking off with it. I don't know if he's part of my family or just some random Mexican trying to jack my stuff. But I follow him because I have no idea where the fuck I am or where the fuck I am going. When we get to the car it turns out, that this guy wants money signaling to me that he is probably not a member of my party. So I give him all the money in my wallet which is something like 7 cents and get into the van. We drive around with this crazy mariachi shit playing, making random stops for who knows what, with everybody talking in Spanish. Then, Chimo, the driver and my spanish brother, says a word I finally understand: cerveza. I dont even want a cerveza because Im still feeling like shit from last night, but we stop at 3 different bodegas to buy different types of spanish beers, and everybody in the van starts drinking. Finally we get to the house, and choose rooms. There are 3 girls from California living in this house, and its a good thing there was because we would have no idea what to do if they werent there to explain things to us. They took us around the neighborhood and told us vital information like "don't eat tacos here, and buy your beer here." We would go out later that night to meet with the rest of the group of Californians. We would wait 45 minutes for a table for 25 people. I drank a lot of tequila that night, but not enough to get me to go out. I had too long of a day and was ready to finally go to bed.

Big Jeezy for Prez

2004-06-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

At 4:47 PM, CJoshC4 said...
I for one was pissed off that the cut the hostage's head off yesterday. The fact that he is an innocent man ticks me off. I say we bomb the fuckers again. But thats why I will never be president. If it was a soldier, I wouldnt understand...but it would be more understandable. These guys simply are not human. We are viewed at the bullies around the world. But at least we do not do horrible things like this. Sad thing is, more people are concerned that we set prisoners up to make them look like they were having gay sex. We get criticized for that. The Bush administration gets criticized for that. Yet they murder innocent people. Whats the deal here? But then again...you might hate bush Jeezy. I know my girlfriends parents are from Wisconsin and they are more Democratic than Republican...so I dont know. But Im still pissed.

I feel your pain brother. I avoid watching the news for this very reason. When ever i watch all the bullshit that goes on in this world, my anxiety level goes up, and I get pissed off much the way you do. I have heard enough of this situation to have a basic idea of whats going on, but honestly have not thought much about it because I have been more focused on my personal growth than politics and war. Nevertheless, you asked for my opinion and I will give it to you. I do not hate Bush, in fact I voted for him in 2000, because he promised social security reform. Well, four years later, the country is being threatened by "evil doers" (GW's words) and the social security program is still nicely set up to fuck me over. I understand that a lot of the events that happened in this country were out of Dub's control, and you cannot blaim the collapse of the economy on a single man, because a recession was destined to happen even without the events of 911. You could put an equal amount of blame on Bubba Clinton for cutting government military spending which was responsible for a part of the recession. Still I am set to loose a part of my paycheck for my entire working life to support the old fucks of this country only to receive jack shit in return when I loose bladder control. Dub-U promised me he would work on this problem, but thats what I get for voting on the issues instead of joining in on a popularity contest like the rest of America. I thought that something needed to be done to deal with the terrorist threat, but really I can not find any justification for the war in Iraq. I remember Dick Cheney popping up yelling "Were going to war," only to mysteriously disappear for months at a time. He still shows his head every now and then to feed us some more bullshit about the war, but I'm not sure it really is Dick Cheney anymore. He looks suspiciously like my old shop teacher. Anyways, I was under the impression that we entered this war to uncover weapons of mass destruction. There were no weapons, and unbelievably nobody took any responsibility for making this mistake. I have grown accustomed to my government lying to me,they could have at least have had the decency of fabricating a photo of a camel with a nuclear warhead strapped to its back. That would have been a dramatic improvment over the bullshit excuse they currently are using of bringing democracy to Iraq. How the fuck are we going to do that? Hand them our civics books and say "Hey read this, its real cracker-jack material." Justified or not, I think that our country has good intentions in its international affairs. We are the most underappreciated country in the world, and we are hated even though we contribute more help than any country in the world. We ending up pissing a lot of people off because we do excercise our power and nobody likes to be told what to do. Still most foreigners would rather criticize the U.S. about their bullying than mention all the times the U.S. has come to aid a needy country. Where was the outside assistance when we were in need after September 11th. I am not a big fan of American culture, but I think that our generosity is interpretted as arrogance. And there is no excuse to justify what those camelfuckers in the middle east are doing right now. We should keep our prayers with the people that must deal with the situation out east and remain thankful that we are able to live in this country. Because it truly is a privilage.

Ode to Bill

2004-06-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

At 8:04 PM, drich said... I would like for you to explain to the millions and millions of the fd's fans the true story behind the bill laimbeer photo that graces your home page. Hope all is well. The senoritas are awaiting you!

The year was 1989. Flip Diesel was just a young tyke, eating his wheaties with hopes of being a champion someday. Life was fantastic. Something was different on this day. The Detroit Pistons were on the Wheaties box this morning, but it wasn't Joe Dumars or Dennis Rodman that caught young Jeezy's eye. It was the big white guy with the cereal killer's glare that captured young flip's curiosity.

Bill Laimbeer never had it easy. He wasn't fast, he couldn't jump, and he wasn't very pretty either. Coming out of Notre Dame, he was forced to play in Europe before he would ever set foot in the NBA. Still, he had one undeniable quality: he was badass. He was the badest of the bad boys, and to get through the Detroit Pistons, you had to get through the elbow tornado named Bill Laimbeer. If you were soft, Laimbeer would straight punk you. If you were more athletic, Bill would outsmart you. Bill used every trick in the book, and frustrated a generation of NBA players. And yet he had the love and admiration of his teammates.

The year was 2004. Flip Diesel is sitting in the lockerroom listening to another Barry Sanderson speech. Barry is an assistant coach and probably the biggest overachieverr I have ever met. I find it unbelievable that this guy has a high paying division one coaching job, a beautiful wife, and even his own office which he has no use for. I love the guy, but surely there must be somebody better qualified to live his life. Actually Barry is a great guy who deserves everything he has. Anyways, I am sitting here when Barry says "Chap we need you to be an enforcer, Do you know who Bill Laimbeer is?" Suddenly, I flash back to that day i was eating wheaties and see that scary looking man on the box. I reply, "Yeah, I know Bill." And we engage in a discussion on what Bill Laimbeer did for his team, and even hough he was a prick and everybody else hated him, his teammates loved him. So a day later, we go to Clemson to play in our annual rivalry game. I once again get reminded again as my duty as an enforcer, only sit the entire first half on the bench. Still It gives me time to reflect on my past and think about those good days when I was still eating Wheaties. When The Pistons were champions and I was watching cartoons all day. I become inspired and when I get put in the second half, I play inspired basketball. I become one with the aura of Bill and only a minute into the game get warned to watch my dirty play. Still,I felt like Bill was with me that night, and after the game everybody was congratulating me on my successful job enforcing the game. They were all saying, great job Bill. And from that day forth Bill Laimbeer has become a part of me. Almost like an alter ego. So it seemed only appropriate that I pay tribute to him, by placing his picture on my website.

Flip Diesel Presents...Great Moments in American Fatness

2004-06-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

At 6:09, Kris DeBlasio said...

Jizzle,Have you eaten at that new burrito place called Moes? If you have you know how insanely large their Burrito's are, well try this on for a topic, I ate 2 of them in one sitting to win a bet with the brothers Shyatt!!! Talk about how fat & disgusting a feat that actually is. That would make for great reading!!!

Congratulations, Kris Deblasio, you are truly a warrior of rotundness, a prince of pudginess, the king of corpulence. Obese men across the nation salute you. America owes you a debt of gratitude for helping it maintain its position as the fattest nation in the world. But seriously, do you really need to eat two disgustingly large burritos to prove how fat you are. That would be like Donald Trump buying two yaughts to prove how loaded he is. Or Christina Aguilerra banging two of the Wayans brothers to prove how much of a whore she is. The level of your fatness is obvious to everyone and needs no proof. Even the brothers Shyatt have no doubt in their collective mind, that you are larger than the average bear. Still, your feat was impressive and remains a great moment in American fatness.

Women are Insane part 3

2004-06-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

Dear "Insane Woman",

I do not know your identity, but I have a pretty good idea of who you are. You sound like you may have some repressed anger towards men, and maybe you should start your own website to let your feelings out. I accept your apology, and while it is definitely not cool to call Big Jeezy "a piece of shit that has no life" I can understand why you would do it. I went back and read part 2, trying to take a different view point, and I realized that some of the things I wrote were insensitive and unfair, especially to the girl who I mentioned several times. I did not take her feelings into account, and I am sorry for that. Big Jeezy Droppin' Knowledge is intended to be a feel-good site, and it is not meant to upset anybody. Obviously, you were upset at something that was said in part 2, and if you would like to reconcile any differences, I ask that you contact me personally.

Yours Truly,
Big Jeezy

That being said, I never intend anything on my site to be taken completely seriously. Part 2 was a scientific theory based not on facts but the few experiences I have had. Women are beyond me, and for me to pretend to actually understand them would be ludicrous. The purpose of part 2 was not to bash women, but to vent my frustration about an unfortunate aspect in society. More often than not in relationships, a person who is sensitive and giving ends up getting hurt. This goes both ways. I know several guys who have tried to be the nice guy and had it backfire on them. They gave their girlfriends freedom or expressed their feelings only to have these girls cheat on them or dump them. Conversely, I know girls who are so worried about finding a man and pleasing him that they constantly get played and never find a relationship that lasts. I just think that its a shame that good people get kicked around while jackasses get rewarded. I understand that women probably do want a sensitive guy, but this is not the type of guy that you are naturally attracted to. So this is the inner conflict that women have, they really want a guy who is sensitive to their emotional needs, but they are attracted to typical testosterone fueled jagoff. So ideally a woman is looking for a "sensitive jerk", a guy who respects the girls feelings, but still retains control in the relationship and won't take any shit. Unfortunately, there are not many guys like this out there that are available. But sometimes i think that girls really have no idea what the fuck they want. I think that younger women, tend to gravitate toward men that they are attracted to. As women get older, they decide that their emotional happiness is more important than their attraction. They often feel like their time is running out, and they finally find a man who respects them as a person and is willing to treat them the way they want to be treated. Of course, this is not what happens in every case, because there are all different kinds of relationships. I could on and on about relationships, but this is not that kind of site. So I will end this post with a religious perspective of the insanity of women. Again, please do not take this seriously.

In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth, and all that other shit. Then, he decides to make man, and when he is done, he says, "what the fuck is this thing?" Making man seemed too simple to God, so he tries to make something else, something more complex. So he takes the man's rib, and makes a thing similar to man but different. He gets rid of the ridiculous looking thing called a penis, and throws some boobies on for man to play with. God makes the women's state of mind more complex, but doesn't take into consideration what these extra complications will lead to. God is all knowing and all wise, but maybe he had other things on his mind, and he overlooked the fact that making the emotional state more complex would create problems for man to deal with. So man and woman live together, and one day the woman gets upset because man will not pay attention to her nagging. So she storms off all worked up into the garden. The snake sees this emotionally unstable woman, and decides what better time to trick this woman than now when her emotions are out of control. So the snake blows a bunch of bullshit up the womans ass, and tells her how pretty her eyes are. So the woman buys this bullshit and instead of listening to her creater who loves her or the man she is with, she listens to this snake. She eats the fruit because the snake said she had a beautiful smile and consequently makes man's life difficult. Women: insane since the beginning of time.

Woman are Insane part 2

2004-06-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

When we left off, I had just come to the conclusion that woman are crazy only to be cut off by the most ridiculous explanation I have ever heard. Let me take you back about a week before the aforementioned party. I'm getting fucking tired of people asking me about my "relationship" and I don't even know if I have one or not. I had been drawing this picture for this girl's birthday which was like a week ago and hadn't had time to finish it. So I read this thing on her instant message profile that talks about the sensitive guy an how open and honest he is. So I think to myself, so thats what she wants, a sensative guy who is open and honest. Fuck, it is so simple! She had also dropped the word boyfriend in context a few times, so I take that as a hint. So I do something, I have never done in my life, I tell a girl my feelings. I finish this picture, write a letter on the back, and give it to her as a birthday present. Not only do I write that I like her, but I also tell her that I'd like her to be my girl, and give her the option to talk about it whenever she was ready. What an idiot I am! What I did showed no backbone, and as a man I deserve to have my left testicle taken for doing it. I meant what I said in the letter, but the approach made me look like a huge pansy. I didn't want to put any pressure on her, but looking back at it I should have. With the exception of manipulative bitches and lesbians, women generally like men who take control and make decisions. I knew that, but what I didn't understand at the time is that a man can never let a woman know that he likes her unless the woman has already fallen for him. It's suicide and will send a woman running to hide. It seems like the logical thing to do, tell the girl that you like her so she can stop worrying and chill the fuck out. However logic doesn't apply to women because they don't act logically. When a man prematurely tells a woman that he likes her not only does he look like a wussy, but he kills any chemistry in the relationship. This removes the mystery in the relationship which, for some reason, women love. And slowly the woman becomes less and less attracted to the man until she delegates him to friend status, but only as long as the man doesn't keep asking her out.
Now you can probably imagine what happened in my situation. The girl loved the picture, and tells me its the best birthday present ever. I'm sure I probably fucked up and did something wrong in the following week, but I can honestly say that nothing was ever the same between us after I gave her this picture. Every time I saw her, things seemed awkward, and I began to feel vulnerable for doing what I did. And it's a fucking shame that I try to do something nice, and it backfires and becomes partially responsible for preventing a relationship with this girl. And it sucks because I really did like this girl, but I don't regret doing it at all. It was what I felt I had to do at the time and I never would have learned what I know now if I hadn't done it. And you may be thinking, thats a great story Jeezy, but what the fuck does it have to do with girls being crazy? Really, it was just an introduction into the first scientific component of women's craziness:

THE CONFLICTING DESIRES THEORY: Cluelessimus Beotchious

Every girl says that she wants a guy who will be sensitive to her feelings and treat her with respect. But that's a load of bullshit. If that was the case, girls would go with the guy that expresses his feelings and is nice to her. That's the guy who is sensitive and respectful, but you know what happens to that nice guy, he ends up being every girls friend and gets dumped and dumped again until he gets so pissed off that he stops being nice. And while this guy is sitting at home, jacking off, the girl tries to get involved with either A) Some guy who has no interest in her, but the girl fantasizes about him constantly because she can't have him. or B) Some guy who could give a shit less about this girls feelings and plays this girl for his own personal gain. Since the girl can't get with A she chooses B. So instead of choosing the guy that was going to be nice to her, she chooses this other asshole named Tad or Carlton or something like that. And while this guy barely pays any attention to this girl, she falls more and more in love with him until she basically starts doing everything she can for him in fear of losing him. Then this guy realizes that he can control this girl so he basically treats her like shit and takes advantage of her. And while this guy is relaxed in the comfort of complete and total control the woman becomes an emotional wreck, which leads me to the second component of women's craziness:

THE EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD THEORY: Emotionum Clusterfuckus

I seems like women put themselves through unnecessary emotional drama on purpose. They make everything in a relationship a a complicated overdramatized fuckfest when it really should be a simple thing. The cruelness of women has been underestimated throughout time. When a man is wronged, he gets pissed off and might yell or beat some guys ass, but will generally let it go. When a woman is wronged, you better fucking watch out. She will get so emotionally worked up, that she will never let go until somebody pays the price. It's like they totally fucking lose it. I am almost convinced that if women ever learned to control their emotions, they would rule the world. The male thought process is simple, and if the female emotional state wasnt such a fucking mess, they could easily manipulate all the men and take over shop. There are two reasons I really don't get involved in relationships. First, I don't think it is healthy for two people to spend all of their time together. I enjoy the freedom to make my own choices without being held back. If I spent all of my time worrying about my relationship, I would be missing out on a lot of livin, and consequently would be hindering my development as a person. Second I find it very difficult to deal with the endless abyss that women call their emotional needs. I would love to spend my saturday night combating hours of crying, but I am just not mentally strong enough to deal with it yet. It will have to be a very special woman for me to deal with that shit. But anyways, lets get back to the story. So the girl is an emotional wreck and her man continues to treat her like shit. The woman is worried that she is losing her man, and starts going batshit. Well eventually, the guy does something like cheat on the girl, and what else would this woman do but flip out. But since the girl really loves the guy, she won't break up with him. And basically this continues until the man has sucked the woman dry and it finally ends. Then the woman goes to all her girlfriends and tells them what pieces of shit men are. I hear women bashing men all the time. The same girl who I talked about before used to put messages on her instant messenger all the time like "Studies show that over 95% of male animals are not monogomous, change animals to men. thats more like it." And really, women don't deserve to be treated like they are. And any man that cheats on a girl is a piece of shit. I used to feel really bad of women who got taken advantage of, but I have discovered that it is your own crazy nature that causes men to act this way. Men would be honest and sensitive, but Ive already described whats happened to those guys. Women have the option to make relationships easy, but instead they go for the challenge and try to convert some jerk they meet into a boyfriend. So instead of telling women their true feelings, men are forced to become emotionally unattatched. And because they can't let their feelings get involved, they disregard the feelings of the woman. And because they don't really care for the woman, they don't feel bad about doing anyth Well you cing that would hurt the woman. And because of this the unagressive sensitive guy can not have his emotional needs met and is forced to turn gay. And because these ladies can't find any good straight men out there, they are forced to become lesbians. Its a perfect cycle. Obviously you can't blame all of the world's problems on the insanity of women, but to say that it has no part in them would be a mistake. Still I don't think the world would be as great without this craziness. It is almost a necessary evil. And even though women may be insane, they deserve more love and attention than they usually get. You have to remember that every man and woman on this earth is born from a woman. I love my mom more than anything in this world. Women have the ability to create life, which is something no man can ever do. So ladies, Big Jeezy still thinks that you are all crazy, but loves and respects you more than you will ever know.

Women are Insane part 1

2004-06-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

First off, I would just like to inform all of my female fans that Big Jeezy loves the ladies and he means no disrespect by the following piece. I have great respect for the women of the world, but in all seriousnous, you're fucking nuts. At first, I thought that I just didn't understand you, but as I learn more and more, it becomes clearer and clearer that you have lost your minds. I tried to explain this the two girls who inspired this theory, but I could barely finish a sentence before they started defending themselves. So I let it go for a while, but now I will finally tell everybody the origin of this theory. Spring break had started and while everybody else in school went somewhere tropical and warm, I go to Knoxville, Tennessee. So Im sitting in my hotel room thinking about the night before where I went to this party. There was something really bothering me that I witnessed at this party. I went to the party with this girl I know and she gets wasted. For the last 3 weeks everybody had been asking me if I'm dating this girl and what not, and I cant even give them an honest answer because I am completely clueless on what our relationship is. So here is the situation: Jeezy sober, Girl drunk. Girl gets on table with teammates and dances, No suprise. Girl starts kissing other girl teammates ?!??Holy fucking shit?!!! While my initial reaction was shock, it didn't really bother me. She had mentioned being involved in lesbian activity at a previous party we went to, and I kind of just ignored it. Then, while in Tennessee, I struggled to come up with a reason why these girls would do this. Did they want attention? No, they already had all the drunk guys attention when they got on the table and started dancing. Were they lesbians? No, these girls were way to pretty to be lesbians, because everybody knows there must be at least one butch girl involved in true lesbian activity. I sit in my hotel bed frustrated that I can't come up with any logical answer on why these girls do this. So I try to watch some tv to take my mind off things. I turn on one channel, there is Martha Stewart, next channel Martha Stewart. Every fucking channel has somebody talking about Martha Stewart going to jail. So I have no choice but to start thinking about martha stewart. And I start thinking, I wonder how Martha Stewart got her money? When I die and go to heaven and God is there that's what Im going to ask. "Where did Martha Stewart get all her fucking money, God?" Who the hell watches her show anyways. Men don't watch it because there is nothing to scratch your balls to. Gay people don't watch it because its beyond gay. It's in and around gayer than gay. It has a gayocity that is beyond gayness. What level of self loathing does someone have to be at to watch Martha Stewart, to watch a woman do something in a half an hour that you could have the whole year to do, and you wouldn't even fucking come close. You watch this show and she comes on and says "Welcome to Martha Stewart Living, today we are going to macromay a fetus. And by the end of the show there is an infant crawling around on the ground with a civil war outfit she knitted, and she baked a cherry pie. Who in there right fucking mind would watch this shit? You would have to be crazy to watch this every day. And then it hits me. Women watch this show. WOMEN ARE CRAZY. It all makes sense. And I go back to all of my unanswered questions and fill in the blank with women are crazy, and it works for every one. This is the point in my story where the two girls cut me off and try to explain their actions. They give me this explanation on why they kiss and I get even more confused then ever. They told me that they kiss to show how close they are. You must be fucking nuts if you believe that shit. In all my years of friendship with other guys, never has the thought of kissing them to show closeness ever crossed my mind. There are a million fucking things you could do to show closeness , but for some reason these girls think they have to makeout with each other to bond. I never got to finish my explanation to these two girls, and I won't finish it in this post either. You will just have to wait for the sequel.

My Nascar Experience

2004-06-03T04:40:00.000-07:00

I am not a racing fan. I never understood the fascination with automobile racing, and I still really don't. However after attending two races last weekend, I have a new appreciation for these events. I didn't think i would ever go to a nascar race, but I found it hard to pass up an excuse to drink beer all day. So when my buddy told me he had free tickets, I found a replacement for work and found a drinking partner willing to make the drive to charlotte with me. The plan was just to go to the race on saturday, but after 300 miles of binge drinking we made a decision to go back the next day for 600 miles of drunkeness. I really wasn't all that impressed with the race on saturday, but sunday was a different experience. We got up at 12 pm, picked up the necessary supplies, and headed to the race track. What should have been a 15 minute drive became a 2 hour tour of camp redneck. If I had been a big breasted woman on this day I could have secured at least a case of beer. I have never seen so many show your tits signs in my life. I even saw a teenage girl holding up a show your cock sign. However, I did not partake because there was no exchange of beers for viewing of cockage. We finally get to the race track after circling around the white trash haven, and our VIP parking pass isn't good for anywhere. After passing the area we were supposed to park in, we decide to keep on driving. We come to a tunnel and security appears to be looking for a lost contact so we drive by. We drive through this tunnel and find ourselves in the infield of the race track. We drive by security man after security man and they seem to barely pay any attention to us. So we find a place to park and begin the drinking festivities. We call my buddy's girlfriend who works at a radio station and she runs out to the infield and gives us passes to the pit and tickets to the race. My friends are wearing these ridiculous looking pants that they bought at Walmart earlier in the day, because supposedly you need to wear pants in the pit. So we take our coolers and start walking. We don't know where the fuck we are, but we keep walking until we basically reach the race track and there is no where else to go. This guy finally are told by some guy to get on the other side of the ropes and we are ushered to the pits never once showing our pass. So we fuck around in the pits for about a half an hour until some guy tells us we can't drink beer in the area. Dumbfounded by this discovery, we decide to go to the car to change back into our wifebeaters and replenish supplies. We decide that the best place to watch the race would be directly next to the track, so we head to the fence for the start. On the way we meet this nice lady that was giving free hotdogs away. SCORE! When the race starts I put my earplugs in and can still barely hear myself think. Yet, the ten fat assholes standing on oil drums behind me have no fear of busting their eardrums. After the first 250 miles we find our once bountiful beer supply dangerously low. We make a phone call and find a way to a radio station suite where it was all the food and adult beverages we want for free. When the race finally ended we stumbled back to our car. Unfortunately, because of traffic, our car wasn't going anywhere, but we did have some beverages left. In the distance we saw a stage set up on a pickup truck with girls dancing on it, so we decide to check it out. We go over there and there are two girls on this stage dancing and 50 guys yelling the phrase of the day. As my friend walks off, some guy talks to me and says, "I bet you 20 bucks, your ass wont git up on that der trailer and start dancen with them girls der" So Im like, "Thats a fucking bet buddy." So I go beer and hand and attempt to climb up on some barrels and onto the top of this truck. As I am reaching mount everest's peak girl number 1 tels me its girls only while girl number 2 feels herself up. So I look to my left where I see some guy yelling at me to get down, and then I look to my right where I see my bet taker shaking his head at me. I tell the guy that they say i got to get down but he says something like "i don't give a fuck" This is where things start to get cloudy. I dont know if I was pulled off or I just fell down in my own drunkenness but the next thing I remember is me on the ground with a guy over me asking if Im alright. All I know is I must have fallen hard as hell, because my back still hurts. Well I get up, not really knowing why the hell I'm still at a Nascar race, and then you guessed it, another redneck comes and talks to me. HE says, "I don't care how tall you is, DON'TCLIMBONMATRUCK!" Im already in pain so I don't feel like fighting a whole trailer park solo, so I say something like "WHatever man, fuck this!" and walk off. And that ladies and gentleman is my nascar experience. Nascar isnt really my thing but I did enjoy myself and have newfound respect for it. Maybe the fans arent the most civilized people, but the organization is very professional and it is not oout to rip off the fans like some other sports. And best of all, it's bring your own beer.

Who is the idiot that said you can't buy freedom?

2004-05-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

I was reading about the Jayson Williams case today. But more than that, I was reading about the history of Jayson Williams. Here is a guy who has repetedly gotten drunk and made an ass of himself. This is a guy who has repetedly escaped legal charges. This is a guy who has repetedly gotten drunk and played with guns. Finally, it appeared that Jayson had finally gotten himself into more trouble than he would be able to escape. He had shot and killed his limo driver and tried to cover up the incident. There was no way that he could escape the law this time. OJ did it, but there were witnesses this time and he basically admitted to the crime. It would take a miracle for him to beat this case (or millions of dollars to get the best defense team money can buy). And I'll be damned if Jayson didn't beat the charges. He basically got away with killing a guy. He has once again proved the fact that with enough money, you can be above the law. My best friend is on the opposite side of the spectrum. My friend was arrested for asaulting a police officer for alledgedly hitting a police horse. In a crowded downtown atmosphere, this officer who obviously loved her horse very much, pointed at my friend who was just enjoying his own drunkenness. Although this officer could not even give a physical discription remotely close to that of my friend, he was still convicted of these charges and jailed for several months for this ridiculous charge. I have talked to my friend, and he swears that he was completely innocent. He has no reason to lie to me. But because he did not have millions of dollars to buy a defense team, he was forced to sit in jail. This kind of thing happens all the time. Why does a guy who robs a convenience store to feed his family, go to jail longer than a rich CEO who doesn't even need money but steals millions of dollars. Companies like Enron, Adelphia, or Tyco have leaders who have stolen billions of dollars and basically ruined people's confidence to invest in the stock market. Because these people have money, its almost like they have a different set of laws. That just aint right. The people who ran these companies are the greediest people who ever lived on this planet. Thats a fact. This country has a ton of greedy people, and the greediest of the greedy saw what these people did, and said "Wow, that's fucking greedy. I wish I'd thought of that. They just made the numbers up. Fuck, that was simple." Imagine this, a father and two sons run a company called Adelphia, and they each take from this company a billion dollars. Three people take a billion dollars. THREE PEOPLE take a billion dollars! What are they going to do, start their own space program. They used 13 million dollars of company money to build a golf corse in their backyard. I am amazed that the people of this company didn't rise as one and slay them. I never understood why the people of France chopped off Marie Antoinette's head, but now I fucking get it. Dennis Kowslowski runs TYCO, he took 463 million from the company because he had a lot of shit to buy. One purchase he made was a $6000 dollar shower curtain. Why the hell would you spend this much money for a bathroom. You could have a golden toilet, but you're still going to take a dump in it. These people deserve to do hard time for what they did, but they won't. Our president says they should do ten years in prison, but our president is not in touch with reality. He's not, because it's not enough time. It really shows a lack of respect for the people who were fucked over. These people commited crimes, and we don't even know the level of damage that they did. But chances are, they won't even do ten years, they'll get off and not do anywhere near the punishment they deserve. So I say fuck the legal system, send these assholes to the nuthouse. You don't need a judge or a jury. You just need a nine year-old with common sense. All you say is three people took a billion dollars, and the kid goes "That's fucking nuts!" These people should be forced to sit for twenty years next to someone who is crosheying something that isn't there. Justice must be served.
One

Thanks Tayshaun

2004-05-24T19:40:00.001-07:00

If you watched the playoff game tonight, you probably saw the play that Tayshaun Prince made to win the game for the Pistons. He blocked the weak ass breakaway layup that the Grampa Reggie threw up to tie the game. As you can see by my Bill Laimbeer picture, I am somewhat of a pistons fan. But the thing that made this great hustle play truly special in my heart was that it was Reggie Miller who got his shot blocked. Let me tell you a childhood story. I used to be one of the biggest Reggie Miller fans in the country. I had all kinds of Reggie Miller posters, Reggie Miller's authentic jersey, Reggie's allstar jersey, Reggie's game shoes, and over 100 Reggie Miller basketball cards. There was seriously something wrong with me. My dad knew how much of a fan I was so he tried to do something really cool for me. My dad knows Larry Brown who was the coach of the pacers when I was 13 years old. So when the pacers played the Bucks that year my dad talked to Larry and took me into the Pacers lockerroom. So I go into the locker room with my Miller jersey on, in search of my childhood hero. I go in there, and there he is walking towards me. I'm like "Reggie, Reggie" and My dads like "Reggie can you talk to my kids" and guess what. The asshole walks straight past us, and goes to the training table to get his scrawny ass stretched. He could have taken 20 seconds out of his time to at least give me and my brother a five and say whats up whiteboys. But no, he felt compelled to completely ignore us, like we were just some dogshit on the lockerroom floor. So, fuck Reggie Miller. Fuck him , he looks like a black Steve Buscemi without hair. (man, thats ugly) If he would have dunked that shit, instead laying up like a bitch, the pacers may have won tonight. Hey Reggie your time is up, retire pleeeease. I don't hold a grudge against this man, but it did hurt my feelings at the time. 9 years later, I am actually happy Reggie did ignore me. It taught me a lesson to treat all people with respect, especially kids. I will always talk to anybody that come up to me no matter who they are. I will make time to sign autographs for kids even if I am busy. My time is not that important that I need to completely disregard someones existence. It may be a pain in the ass, but if someone looks up to me, the least I can do is give them a few minutes of my time. That's what Bill Laimbeer would do.
One Love
Flip Diesel
>
look at this loser

I now pronounce you man and man?

2004-05-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, queers from around the state gathered in Boston to celebrate the approval of gay marriage in Massachusetts. Yes, the same state that persecuted hundreds of women in the town of Salem because of their magic powers, now has the most tolerant policy on marriage of any state in the U.S. The same state that saw a bunch of oped up old men dress up like indians and dump over a half a million pounds of tea into the harbor has celebrated this event just over 231 years later by bringing together lesbians and gays who share a special love. Massachusetts has once again cemented its legacy in American history. Now homosexuals like Ellen Degenerous, Tracy Chapman, Elton John, Peyton Manning, and Clay Aiken can sigh a breath of relief because a change has been made. One person you won't see in Boston getting drunk with the gays is flip diesel.
I am not a homophobe and I believe in equal rights, but I think you have to draw a line somewhere. The principle of marriage was founded with the idea of man and woman. Whoever started this whole marriage thing probably did so without the idea of two guys getting their freak on being brought into discussion. Man was meant to be with woman, and woman was meant to be with man. If you follow common religious practices, besides buddhism, your religion tells you that homosexuality is wrong. If you do not follow any religious teachings, you can look at the simple fact that in nature, more often than not, males mate with females. This is how it has been done throughout time. Last time I checked you still need both a penus and a vagina to make a baby. Sure there is artificial insemination and even cloning, but the origin of creation still remains the same. If we had a planet full of married gay people, we would become extinct. I don't think people should be treated differently because they are gay, but we should not change our traditions that were founded for a specific purpose. Maybe gays have a right to be socially accepted in america. But I do not think it is healthy to celebrate homosexuality, which is what marriage is (a celebration). We should not adapt our culture for something that is unnatural. Hypothetical sitiuation. Say I fall deeply in love with a chimpanzee. I want to spend the rest of my life with this monkey. Should the laws be changed so that I can marry this monkey and collect tax benefits? No, I would have to deal with the fact that my feelings were unnatural, and I would have to spend my entire life with this monkey unmarried. I could live with that, and people like RuPaul should do the same.

Week 1 Top Ten

2004-05-19T17:25:00.000-07:00

Has anybody noticed the ridiculous amount of countdown lists that flood society today. They come up with top ten lists for everything. Ive decided to join in on the fun and construct a top ten list of my own. I plan to do this every Wednesday but I won't guarantee anything. This week I decided to tackle the top ten greatest big dick jokes of all time. The big dick joke has always been classic. You don't even have to have a big dick to tell a big dick joke. The only requirement is that you have a functioning penis, and you can let the sausage jokes fly. If you think there is a big dick joke that should have been included on this list, please post it. And Im sorry if big dick jokes offend you, but if they do, you probably do not have a big dick.

The Top Ten Greatest Big Dick Jokes Ever

10. My dick is so big, it makes Deblasio look like a mosquito.
9. My dick is so big, it's right behind you.
8. My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.
7. My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
6. My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
5. My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.
4. My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick.
3. My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if i wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.
2. My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
1. My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

Top Ten #3

2004-05-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

5:05 PM, Anonymous said...

I just wanna see some more big dick jokes.

I promised to fulfill all requests and since their is a demand for more big jokes, the people shall receive. If you are a longtime fan of this site, you will probably remember a list posted back in May entitled The Greatest Big Dick Jokes of all time. I thought that would be enough, but their is somebody out there who obviously needs more. I am hesitant to post more big dick jokes because it could cause me to get in trouble. But since there is someone out there that loves big dick jokes as much as I do, I will take that risk. I was hoping that my site was taking a more mature direction, but this site is for the fans, and the fans want big dick jokes.

Warning: this post contains material not suited for children or those offended by references to male genitalia and its functions.

Ten More Great Big Dick Jokes

10. My dick is so big, I entered it in a big dick contest, and it came in first, second, and third.
9. My dick is so big, it was once overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
8. My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
7. My dick is so big, I once pissed it the ocean and caused a tsunami which wiped out a chain of tropical islands.
6. My dick is so big, everytime I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
5. My dick is so big, the Carnegie deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.
4. My dick is so big, that the vikings once used it as a bridge to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
3. My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.
2. My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
1. My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.

Show Some Love for the 24 hour Restaurant

2004-05-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite pastimes has been to visit 24 hour restaraunts in the early hours of the morning. These establishments will always hold a very special place in my heart. When I was in high school, George Webbs was the restaurant of choice, but now IHOP reigns supreme. There is so much to love about these restaraunts besides the fact that they are open as long as they can just squeeze by health inspections (IHOP barely survived last year) The food is always good because you are usually drunk and hungry as hell. If you are overweight, there is almost always one person who is fatter than you ever will be. No matter who you are with, you can always find something to talk about. And of course there is always the atmosphere. When I visit these places I am usually fairly intoxicated, so I dont remember very much. However, the memories that I do have are truly spectacular. Some of the most interesting people you will ever meet, also partake in extremely late night dining. 3:30 to 4:30 is usually primetime, but you can find a wide variety of freaks all the way up to about 6:00 a.m. when normal working folk start venturing in. Just last Friday I was walking in to IHOP when this lady in a red dress catches my eye. Then my friend says look at that lady in the red dress, so I decide to take a closer look. This wasn't the normal late night skank that you usually see standing in line. This was the ugliest transvestite I have ever seen. While I am staring at this monstrosity, a fight breaks out in the back of the restaraunt. This guy who is clearly a flaming homosexual, gets pushed into a table spilling water all over the place. The two gladiators are then escorted out of the restaraunt by a cop with the spitting image of Steve Urkel. If that is not entertainment, I don't know what is.

Job Hunting

2004-05-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

Summer is here and I got too much time on my hands. When this happens I tend to get in trouble, so I needed to find something to do. I decided to find a job because I have a drinking habit that I need to finance. I was going to directly tackle the problem by becoming a bartender, but that plan fell through. I was going to go to bartending school with my former academic advisor who was fired/quit for reasons I will not mention. However, this woman failed to get her shit together, so I was forced to find employment on my own. Today, I completed orientation as a food runner at harpers restaraunt in 5 points. The first thing they want me to learn is this retarded acronym:

H - Highest quality food, drink and service
A - Always a wow experience
R - Respect, understanding, caring, trust, and fairness
P - People: associates, guests, and vendors are our success.
E - Everything we do says we are a premier company
R - Responsible, accountable, and committed to the Harper's promise done the harper's way.
S - Satisfaction or it's "On the House"

What the FUCK is a wow experience?
That might be the gayest thing I have ever been a part of. I have to memorize that bullshit and recite it. Here's my acronym for the restaurant:

H - Have an ice cold brewskie on me
A - Always a kick ass experience
R - Respect your fucking food runner bitch.
P - Pimps, players, hustlers, ballers and shotcallers.
E - Everybody get youre motherfuckin roll on
R - Run, run like there is a pack of wild monkeys on your ass
S - Suck my balls if you don't like it.

Racism in America

2004-05-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

We live in a racist country. I see it everyday in the great state of South Carolina. Everytime I go to Club Revolutions (which is everytime too many) I hear somebody say "look how tall that whiteboy is." Why do I have to be the tall whiteboy? Why can't it be tall guy? And who came up with names like honky and cracker anyways. That shit doesn't make any sense. Racism is everywhere, even in the cereal industry. Just look at Trix the Rabbit. He just wants some cereal. Those little jerks sit there and say "Oh no, you can't have any." And then when they eat it, the world turns colorful, everyone except the Rabbit. He stays white. So this obviously isn't a sharing problem, it is racism. Just because he is a rabbit he is expected to eat carrots and lettuce. What if he is sick of lettuce and carrorts and is looking for a fruity alternative. He is shit on by these little kids. They are not even adults and the think they know everything about rabbits and can boss around this adult rabbit. Ill tell you what, one of these days the rabbit is gonna go off these kids hanibal lecter style and sprinkle there carcases of his trixs.